My mom gave me her typewriter and a typing book when I was about 12 years old, and ever since then I have loved putting my words-thoughts down on paper in the same typeface I saw every time I read a book.  For me, typing is the only way to be a writer.

But this blog is about fighting to stay at a healthy weight and feel right-sized for what my definition of “right-sized” is, not about writing (or typing).  And it is obviously not about good writing, hence ending the previous sentence with a preposition.

I am still making progress in the second part of this weight loss journey to my best health that I am on.  I am not gaining excessively like I did when 10 pounds found its way onto my body in just a couple short weeks.  I am holding steady, (I went down a bit, then back up a bit, to end up at pretty much the same place).  And this month my goal is to once again hit 40 kms walked in September (like in May) which will certain be an improvement on last month’s 31 kms.

The ride goes on.

The super important part of this meme, in my opinion, is the “and I’m feeling good part.”

Yes, use the scale as a measure, but don’t let it mess with your head.  I have let that silly scale (salty meal) derail my “feeling good” too many times to count, and I am not going to do it anymore.  I am not going to throw the scale out the window, but I am going to be patient.  I know that if I do exercise and eat healthy, smaller portions, I will lose weight eventually.  As much as I would love to lose 24 pounds in 12 weeks, I would also be happy to not gain.  And to lose even 10 pounds in the next 12 weeks (11 weeks now), would still be a huge win! 

So, this week, I will not let the scale numbers derail me.  They are just numbers. 

I have to apologize for calling him “Fat Thor,” that sounds like an insult, but I do not mean it to be. Simply, it is just a descriptor for the character played in Avengers: End Game.

After the events of Avengers: Infinity War, End Game picks up the story of Thor five years later. After all he has lost, (and of the many characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, he has arguably lost the most, not only family and friends, but most of all his people, his whole planet, his whole purpose, and that whole thing where he should have gone for the head), he is depressed and self medicating with junk food, beer, video games, and well, he’s gotten fat.

And there is nothing wrong with that.  No shame here, it just is.  Life gets in the way of healthy choices if we let it, at times.  We get fat, we get thin, we get somewhere in between. 

But Thor’s friends need his help, despite his recent slide into the pit. And even though they accept him for who he is now, and they understand he is struggling, they also then challenge him to do better. Later in the movie, he goes back in time and has a brief exchange with his mother. She sees the state he is in, recognizes he is from the future which has not been kind to him, and she says:

“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are.”

Thor even mentions this at the end of the film. He says its time to just be who he is.

Acceptance, yes, but also a challenge to try and do better.

At one point in the last 12 weeks, I was about three pounds down from where I started. Then the last three weeks have been really crappy for me, and I’ve put on a significant chuck of weight. And I hardly walked at all, just 31 kms in August, the least amount this whole year so far. I self medicated with sugar, junk food, binge watching series, and even a few pina coladas, (even though I rarely drink alcohol because it makes my stomach hurt), which brings me this morning to 10 pounds MORE than where I started 12 weeks ago. What the hell happened?? I was doing okay, I was staying basically the same weight, even though I wasn’t losing the weight I gained after we moved in the spring, (which was the first tough life event in a series of tough events I have faced this year, one of which I write about here). I had even increased the kilometers I was walking each month from 40, to 50, then to 60 kms in July. I blogged every week. What the heck just happened?

I woke up yesterday morning and I didn’t want to do anything, even though it was a warm sunny day and a holiday. I felt terrible, lamenting to myself that how I felt was the sum total of every bad decision I had made in my whole life, and it truly felt like my whole life was a lot of bad decisions. I hit the couch and for some reason I turned on Avengers: End Game. Then I soon realized, hey, I am fat Thor. And I need to forgive myself.

So, what Thor taught me yesterday was that I can turn things around right now, today. I can stop doing the wrong things and start, once again, to make better choices. If a superhero, an actual god, (fictious or not), can fall apart like Thor did, no wonder a mere mortal like me fell into the pit for a while. And although I have faced my own share of personal struggles in the last few months, I can challenge myself to do better, starting right now.

Even if this blog message is just for myself, I am glad to put it out there, and tell myself that I know I can do better. And even if it feels like a lot of bad choices have been made, it’s never too late to start making other choices.

12 weeks of challenge and change to  follow.

Real, but not perfect.  That is perfectly stated.

I have struggled a lot with perfectionism.  Even after I identified perfectionism as a pointless pursuit, because perfect does not exist, I still want to be “perfect.”  I now accept I do not have to be perfect; I just have to be present.  I will only be in trouble if I start to hide, once again, from the things that I need to be doing.  This post today is me being present.

Something I realized last week is that I haven’t really set a goal other than the goal of not quitting.  The goal of showing up each week.  The goal of paying attention. 

And those, in and of themselves, are still good goals.

But I also like the idea of a photo shoot as a goal. I just love getting great pictures. I did some photos in February, and it wouldn’t take much now to get back to that weight.

At least, some days I feel like “it wouldn’t take much” to get back there. Other days if feels like there is nothing left in me to get back there, and I will never get there.

So, I feel like this next 12 weeks will have been an excellent warm up. And I intend that the next 12 weeks after this will be even better. My life will have settled a bit after having moved in May, (which tilted me off course).

Moving forward, I will be primed to continue to focus on my health and trimming down in weight (getting back there) will be a bonus!