“The next time you find yourself blaming or shaming someone, because they deserve it for how they wronged you, take a pause and a breath and ask yourself: What is it in me that needs attention here? Shift your energy. Take responsibility for your own life and embody the energy that you want to attract.”
Lately, I have been stuck in a rut of cycling into feeling sorry for myself for every time I have ever felt gaslit about my health, by doctors, and yes, even at times by my spouse. But truthfully? I was my own worst critic. I felt unheard and abandoned by myself. In fact, I experienced a lot of self-loathing, because feeling unwell usually resulted in bad food choices that made my feelings/symptoms worse. Those times my body was sending me a message saying hey, something does not feel right, I ended up feeling (rightly or not) that the narrative was: it’s all in your head, just stuff it down, and I regularly told myself exactly that. Instead of believing the signals coming from my body, instead I asked myself: what are you getting from “not feeling right?” What are you getting to avoid? Something feels “off” because you must WANT something to feel “off,” so then you won’t have to show up for your life in some way. Just stop it.
Ultimately, I was really hard on myself, and I have been grieving, in a way, that I treated myself like that.
I feel very bad for my former self that I put down and punished for “misbehaving.” I wouldn’t EVER treat anyone else that badly. Yet I blamed and shamed myself.
But now that I am no longer gaslighting myself, I need to ask: What is it in me that needs attention here?
I cannot change the past, but I can change my future. I need to quit dancing on the edge of that cliff. I need to take care of myself. I need to treat myself with kindness. I need to love myself (my body) just like I would my best friend.
Moving through stage 4 into stage 5 of the 5 stages of grief is not an “all at once” event. I am experiencing it as a roller coaster ride of one day in depression, with the next day lifting somewhat back up out of those depths, but then it only takes one thing to plunge me right back down.
I am getting sea sick just typing that out, because it so viscerally reminds me I am currently living those exact whiplash ups and downs.
Unfortunately, I am also experiencing a certain feeling that I am NOT supposed to feel depressed at all. I should feel lucky…because other people have it worse.
I am just going to put it out there: thoughts of other people having it worse has NEVER made me feel any better about whatever I am dealing with. If I was lucky enough to be pain free yesterday, but I am experiencing pain today, how does thinking about someone else’s pain help me deal with my pain today?
Yes, yes, I get the logic behind that thinking. You ask yourself, how bad is your pain? And you answer that by asking yourself how bad does it compare to other times in your life, and/or how does it compare to someone else who has it worse off than you? Then maybe you feel better because the pain is not as bad as another time in your life, and/or it is not as bad as someone you know who is really, really, having the worst time in life, that you can imagine. And you count yourself lucky, and write out a gratitude list, and you do feel grateful.
But then…you are still left dealing with your current pain, because no matter what, you hurt.
And if you used to soothe your pain with food, (as I used to do), and you don’t do that anymore, then you are just left with…feeling the pain.
For me, I felt pain after I tweaked my knee Saturday, and it brought my whole mood down because…I felt pain.
Maybe it was not a lot of pain.
Maybe it was not even close to as bad as someone else’s pain.
But I kept feeling it, it bothered me, it stole the peace I had been feeling before I encountered it. If I say I “let it” bring my whole mood down, am I self-blaming? Am I weak because I couldn’t “shake it off” and push it aside with thoughts of how bad other people are suffering instead?
I know in the past being told, “well at least you don’t have it as bad as so and so,” has never made me feel better about whatever it is/was that I am dealing with. Instead, statements like that have left me feeling unheard, and even negated, as though I have no right to feel any pain at all if it does not rise to the level of being “the worst it could be.”
I know this blog post comes across as me doing some complaining, oh woe is me, but this space is where I do feel heard, even if it is just being heard by me, myself, and I. I am in pain, and I feel depressed, and the only way out (for me) is through. So, no, thoughts of other people’s pain, or a gratitude list (which I do have, and it’s long, and I am grateful), will make me feel better right now. I just have to feel what I feel.
I feel a bit better today, but I had slid into a serious mood slump yesterday. I am still having trouble getting over this last diagnosis of osteoporosis.
I have been a person who likes to measure and compare things. Like Lisa Simpson in “The Simpsons,” I always wanted (still want) to be graded on things. Of course, I always want to get a good grade…
The bones in my lumbar spine just got a really bad grade -3.3.
Even with my heart valve disease, I found out I am ONLY grade 2 out of grade 4 regurgitation, caused by both the anterior and posterior leaflets of my mitral valve having been torn by my underlying connective tissue disorder, hEDS. Really, there is no need to worry until it gets to grade 4, right? 2 is a good grade compared to 4, right? I type that a little sarcastically, because my doctor was practically (and annoyingly) blythe about that diagnosis. For me, finding all that out was one helluva shock, because I had no clue I had any problems with my heart at all! (Prior to that, my shortness of breath symptom had been just attributed to how I breathe, with a lung function test that showed I was fine). I thought at only 54 years old, finally with a stellar BMI, that I was healthy! I mean, other than my sore hands, numb finger tips, sore knees and ankles, and…well…I definitely did NOT think I had a heart condition!
I digress.
Even though I suspected something, (that Chat GTP had pointed out, based on lower than average upper body bone density numbers contrasted to my very good lower body numbers—I walk a lot), I thought maybe I was headed towards osteoporosis, that maybe I had osteopenia (defined as a t-score of -1 to -2.5). I honestly never thought I would have already blown past those numbers all the way down to -3.3.
I know I am hyper fixated on this number. It is just a number, afterall. It means nothing, and I am the same person I was last month before I knew “the number.”
It just means I am a person with some serious defects in the manufacturing…and that is okay.
Someone said something brilliant the other day: The journey does not get easier, you just get stronger.
I have been blogging a little more lately, especially with my recent health diagnoses of hEDS, (which causes pain in my hands, joints, and which has been impairing my digestive tract for years), mitral valve heart disease, (which, quite frankly, could someday be life limiting), and osteoporosis, (t-score of -3.3). Did I mention I also have MCAS? Here is a set of pictures, (day 2, then day 3), of an allergic reaction I had to an insect bite, which is typically an “over” reaction for me, due to mast cell activation.
Yikes! Written all down like that, I sound worse off at 54 years old, than my 80-year-old mother who is a breast cancer survivor!
Anyhow, I love blogging. I love getting my words out of my head. I love sharing my experiences.
What I do not like is “stuffing” myself down.
I grew up in a household where it was easier to stuff myself down, make myself “small” because I was “too much.” And food was an easily accessible tool, compounding by 80’s diet culture that was practiced in my home telling me that as a girl I should not eat any extras, but my brother could eat whatever he wanted because he was a boy, and naturally skinny on top of it all.
And even though I grew up and moved away from home, the turning to food to stuff-myself-or-my-feelings-down habit stuck. The habit of stuffing down discomfort instead of feeling it.
Blogging is the opposite of stuffing it down. I feel heard, even when it’s only myself that reads these words. I am actually a bit shy in real life, so it almost seems counterintuitive to find such immense comfort in putting my words, any of my words on a variety of subjects, out into the public space. It’s not exactly about connection, although some connection with others has been a very happy byproduct. It’s mostly about talking to myself, outside of my own head, and feeling heard in ways I did not consistently (if ever, but I am willing to allow that my memories are not perfect in this regard) feel that I was heard growing up in the household dynamics in which I was raised.
Here’s to another weekend of NOT stuffing it down. I am fortifying myself with this blog entry to have a far better weekend than 2 weeks ago. We are going to a Halloween experience tonight, and I may even wear a make-shift costume (and then post a picture) if I don’t get too shy to actually do it.
I had a rough few days, (Friday through Monday, Canadian thanksgiving long weekend), for the first time in a long time. I think knowing I have some health issues that cannot be solved through healthy lifestyle choices, all of a sudden made it seem like…what’s the *#$!% point? BUT nothing is better, not our physical health, certainly not our mental health, and not how we show up in the world for our families, none of it is better when we treat our bodies like a trash can.
I even avoided the scale, and for me, that is the first time I have done that in over 2 years. Yikes, who am I? I am NOT someone who behaves like that.
I think I have been going through the 5 stages of grief post hEDS diagnosis that I wrote about here, and heart valve disease, more about that here.
1)Denial
I was definitely in denial while on vacation in August to visit family. I got the diagnosis the day I flew out, so it just had not sunk in yet. At one point on my vacation, my brother ended up yelling at me, “Accept your new reality!” because I was about to hang off some monkey bars and risk dislocating my shoulder, (which has never been the same since dislocating it that I wrote about here. Sure, the accident caused the dislocation, but my hEDS means it would/could easily slip out again. Even the emergency room doctor warned me about it re-dislocating easily, after he reduced it, dislocated it again simply checking its position, and then quickly had to reduced it a second time, while asking me in a very surprised tone if was double jointed).
2)Anger
Then I was mad…stupid doctors…sending me for a lung function test, never checking my heart…telling me it’s all in my head…sending me for more than one abdominal ultrasound when I complained about my slow digestion causing my stomach to swell like I had an alien about to burst out of it…then saying “nothing looks wrong…” grumble, snarl…
3)Bargaining
September involved a lot of bargaining…I will walk this many kilometres, I will do these hikes, I will do 3 walks of 14K each, and all together they add up to a marathon…I will make incredible healthy soups with a perfect balance of macros and eat nothing else…
4)Depression
Then I started having moments…where it felt like depression was just waiting in the wings, just a little out of sight…but I could see it casting a shadow…and then when I got a call from the doctor’s office asking for an appointment to discuss the results of my bone density scan, (the one I had recently that IS medically diagnostic), it hit me. They want to talk to me about something of concern. AND it would be about something diet and exercise won’t fix. (At least not alone could diet and exercise fix it, especially if it has been caused by complications related to my having hEDS, I may need a proper prescription drug to help).
So, it’s official, I have osteoporosis, and yes, my doctor strongly recommends I take a prescription to help.
I had the appointment yesterday, and they told me, the -3.3 T-score on my spine means I do have full blown osteoporosis. And my stated Fracture Risk, the FRAX, can underestimate risk in conditions like hypermobility or connective tissue disorders as these can increase fragility and falls risk.
The fact of my hip density being higher than spine is common in connective tissue–related osteoporosis, where trabecular (spine) bone is more affected than cortical (hip) bone.
Prior to now, I got to say “No, none at all,” when someone asked, “Do you take any prescriptions?” Now my doctor says I need a prescription drug to help with my bone loss because of my fracture risk. That feels like a change in my identity, from someone who does not take any prescriptions to someone who now says, yes, I take a prescription bisphosphonate for my osteoporosis. And I know that it does not have to DEFINE my identity. But it’s a big change. A change I really do not want to make, simple as that. I have not yet got my head around it.
Especially not at the ripe old age of 54-years old?? No, this is not an identity change I want to make. I am back in stage 1)Denial.
It’s just been a lot. Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, heart valve disease, now osteoporosis? Finding out I was Celiac was easy compared to all this. At least it felt it was easy, as though I could “solve” it by just figuring out how to eat “perfectly.” (Which turned out impossible, because there is no such thing as perfect, but I could at least delude myself back then).
I am not sure why, but a prescription for a Bisphosphonate, which “strengthen bones by binding to them and slowing the breakdown caused by bone-eroding cells (osteoclasts). This allows bone-building cells (osteoblasts) to more effectively rebuild bone tissue, reducing bone loss,” does not feel like I am “solving” anything. I am under no delusions this time, I suppose.
3 months ago, my identity was “I am healthy”:
Sure, I have digestive issues, but it is because I have just not yet found the absolute “perfect” combination of “perfect” foods for my body, right?
Sure, my hands hurt from Raynaud’s and neuropathy, but surely if we just knew the root cause, it’s probably something I am eating, (should I give up eggs maybe??), so we can “fix” it.
Sure, I have the occasional shortness of breath, but if I just did not get so “worked up” with silly worrying, I would stop feeling “anxious.”
But now my identity is…there are some major defects in the manufacturing…
I must at least try to maintain my current vitality, and NOT succumb to thinking there is nothing I can do, including focusing on diet and exercise for bone density building. But ug, I feel exhausted with thinking about it all for the last 2 months. So, here is it, Kübler-Ross’s stage 4 depression, rearing its ugly head…
I have been giving a lot of thought to identity, and how believing certain things about myself contributes to who I think I truly am as a person. Of course, the goal is to write this new story for myself, a new identity. One where I believe my weight will remain stable because I do not overeat anymore. It’s not my identity anymore. I am not someone who overeats. That problem is in my past, because it is a past version of myself. This is the new me.
This is not just wishful thinking. It has been long enough now that my new identity is my reality.
And it was never more true than last night.
I stressed myself out leaving assignments too close to the due date, too many times, while finishing my bachelor’s degree. I did my degree as an adult learner, completing it part-time while working full-time. So, when I did my master’s degree, also part-time while working full-time, I made sure I NEVER left assignments to the last minute.
Recently, I got a gig freelance writing articles for the entertainment sphere. I feel like I am in school again, I have assignments and due dates. So, for the first three articles, I was fine. There was a small amount of procrastinating on the third one, but I still had it mostly done a day before the due date. The next morning, I finished it up and edited it. I submitted it with plenty of time to spare.
But the fourth article…I do not know what happened. For five days, I just could not make myself start it. Right up until noon on the last day, (when it was due at midnight that day), I was watching TV, playing solitaire on my iPad, vacuuming, anything to avoid it.
Then I finally started it at about 12:30pm.
Ug! I do not know what got into me!
And my back was killing me, because I wrote for five hours without taking a break, (I don’t even remember going to the bathroom). My body needs me to get up and stretch every hour, when working at the computer like that! And the phone kept ringing. I had to answer it, and deal with whatever it was, as quickly as possible, and then get back to my writing. It felt just like the “old days” as a Bachelor of Arts student. Trying to get an essay done while dealing with unexpected work tasks, the phone, a call-out, which—Murphy’s law—always seemed to increase exponentially when I had a school deadline also.
So, back to the connection with overeating. If I allowed my identity to be that of someone who cannot resist X food, (as I have in the past), then I would have to give into temptation (for example, at Christmastime) to match that identity.
The same is true of the reverse situation.
When my identity is that I do NOT procrastinate assignments, breaking that promise to myself yesterday…well, all last night it felt just as if I had cheated on my diet and overeaten.
What a roller coaster of emotions I had last night! I didn’t even really enjoy the dopamine rush of getting my writing assignment done, because I was so dismayed by my procrastination behavior.
And that’s because that behavior is so contrary to my identity now.
The good news is that I really have changed. My procrastination just reminded me of the old me. But that is not who I am anymore, or I would not have been so upset.
I woke up today knowing I will NOT procrastinate again, just like I will NOT overeat again. I simply eat what I plan to eat, no more, no less. And I enjoy every minute of it without any stress. 😊
The Bio Joy Diet 