My word for this year is secure.  I started out with planning to secure a new job, secure a retirement plan, and secure some more space in my home.  Now I have decided I need to secure my peace (lean into the jobs I already have), secure my health (lean into better food and movement choices—excellent plan for retirement, if I do say so myself), and secure myself in the present with activity (and productivity) that makes me happy.

I have to start over. It’s been hard to not turn to food to soothe my emotions, because I am still job searching after one year. I never thought one year later I would still be looking for a job, (in my field, the field for which I went to grad school), the biggest barrier to which is my desire to work fully 100% remotely. It has been emotionally draining, because I cannot help but hope and imagine I will get each job I apply for. I have not had a “thick skin, don’t get your hopes up” attitude, so each disappointment hits me hard. Especially when I find out the job is not 100% remote, despite saying “remote” on the ad. This roller coaster up and down happens with each and every application, and it has been exhausting.

Maybe I have not yet got a full-time remote job for a reason. I still work for my husband’s company. I still work casually for a university instructing for their Faculty of Continuing Studies, (8 week courses at a time, about 7-10 hours a week). And I have been able to cover a few days a month at Canada Post because my schedule is still flexible, (which it would not be, if I got a new full-time remote job). I am grateful for all the jobs I currently have, and they have been keeping me pretty busy lately. I am currently teaching two online classes.  I will have worked 8.5 days for Canada Post in the month of May.  And I still have been answering the phone, booking jobs, and doing bookkeeping for my husband’s company.

Somewhere in all of that I need to start working again on my fifth novel, submit my query letter for my third novel to new publishers, weed the yard, eat better, and get some exercise, (like walking my cat in her new pet stroller, along with my dog).

Oh, and get serious about my diet, by starting to tracking my food and be intentional when it comes to getting some regular exercise.

Yeah, maybe I have not yet got a new full-time remote job for a reason.

Other things that have been weighing me down and sending me towards food to soothe is my dad. When I think about my dad at the care home with his dementia, trapped in his mind and nearly non-verbal, I get sad.

When I think about the fact that I have applied for 190 jobs and have yet to receive one from those 190, I get sad. (Even though I am just recently coming around to the idea that this is probably a good thing).

When I think of how hard it is to book jobs for my husband, (changes in the real estate market have slowed things down), I get sad.

When I think of how hard it has been while our grandson’s parents fight through their divorce, I get sad.

When I think of how uncertain my future is in general, I get sad. (But that’s just life, and I need to accept that).

And when I eat sugar and extra foods, for just a few minutes, I feel soothed and less sad.

Then I step on the scale, and I see it slowly climbing up and up, to a weight I haven’t been since 2011, and I get really sad.

So, I am starting over. I am going to stop overeating, because even though I am distracted for those few minutes while eating, in the end it hurts to be gaining weight.

And I am (finally!) looking on the bright side with respect to the job search. I am keeping very busy, even without getting a new job, so instead I will be grateful I have the jobs I already have. And this way I should have the time to do things that are also important, like start working again on my fifth novel, submit my query letters for my third novel to new publishers, weed the yard, make healthy food choices, and get more consistent exercise.

So, what have I been doing?  Mostly feeling sorry for myself.  Mostly.

I will admit, I was getting pretty sad about the job situation.  Since last May, (when I knew my creative writing job might not last, as they were having trouble paying me), I have applied for 182 jobs.  Of those 182, I’ve only been selected for 10 interviews.  Of those 10, no one has offered me a job.

I really loved the creative writing job I got in 2021, which is why I hung on as long as I did, (in hindsight, longer than I should have).  Nearly every day, I used to think how lucky I was to have gotten such a great job!  I was being paid to write creative content!  Obviously, it was as good a job as I thought it was because despite the pay issues in the end, it has proven nearly impossible to replace.  

But I HAVE to just get over the fact that I lost that job.  Life goes on, and feeling miserable is not helping anything.

I am trying to think more positively.  Moping around the house thinking “oh woe is me” is not helping.  I need to just move on, one day at a time, and focus on what I do have going on.

1. I’m still teaching 8 weeks at a time for Mount Royal University in Calgary.  I have 9 students this class, and I had 10 students for the 8 weeks in the fall.  I teach another 8 week class April-May if enough students sign up.
2. I work about one day a month for Canada Post as a back-up postal assistant, in my small community of only about 700 people.  I really like walking over to the post office when the full-time postmaster needs a day off, greeting my neighbors, and helping out with the revolving door of parcels in and out.  Canada Post really does deliver a big chunk of the online world these days, and when I get a call to come in, time spent over there goes by quickly.
3. I am looking into an online tutor job.  I would be an independent contractor, so it’s not a full-time job with benefits, but it would be better than nothing, and I can set my own hours.  And I can take a week off anytime I want.  I can work 3 hours a day, or 7 hours a day, whatever I want.  Even though I had wanted something full-time with benefits, maybe contracting will be fine afterall, because of the flexibility.

I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have to stop being sad every day that the job search has proven to be quite a challenge.  But worrying and thinking badly about myself will not make my life better.  Instead, taking care of myself and refocusing on my health will make me feel better.

Years ago, I read about an interesting observation.  Apparently, in a book about good sleep habits for your baby, it was illustrated that a well rested baby will go to sleep easier than a baby who is very tired, (which leads to an unhappy and fussy baby, and who then subsequently has trouble going to sleep).

My initial reaction was to think, won’t a tired baby go to sleep faster than a baby who is not tired?  Apparently, the answer is no.  In a lot of cases: sleep begets more sleep.

The same is true of so many things.  The more I exercise, the more I want to exercise. The more I eat healthier choices, the more I want to continue to eat better.  Good habits beget more good habits.

If I am honest, the better I sleep, the easier it is to go to sleep.  When I get very tired, I can get wired, and then I don’t fall asleep as fast, my quality of sleep is crap, and then I feel like crap the whole next day.  Good sleep begets more good sleep.

Okay, maybe I just wanted to use the word “beget” a whole bunch of times.

Last week I made better choices for myself.  Less grains, (for me, grain free is pain free, but it can be hard to be 100% free as it eliminates so many food choices), and instead I ate more fruit and protein.  I have shaved off 3 pounds, which is a huge win these days!  And my desire to eat dessert instead of main course has dropped considerably.

I hope everyone navigates their holiday season in a way that makes them feel hopeful they can reach goals that may be set for the new year.  I feel pretty lucky to say I actually feel as though I have positive head start for myself on obtaining my goals.

I have succeeded, and then I have had to start again many times.  The trick is to never stop starting, so that I am always moving forward, which is always better than standing still.  (Even if it feels like, as the U2 song lyrics say, you are running to stand still).

I worked that checklist of mine 4 out of 7 days last week and I am going to call it a win.  If this is the beginning (again) then that means I am already ahead of the game by starting last week with some new daily habits, like tracking my food to see what happening there (instead of just mindlessly eating whatever and whenever).

Here’s to just doing a bit better this week.

I had to (re)learn a few things this week.  For one, I am very goal orientated, (okay, I’ll say it, I’m dopamine dominant).  NOT setting goals (short and long term), NOT having a daily checklist of tasks I want to complete, NOT striving to accomplish something in particular, yeah, definitely does NOT work for me.

For that last 6 months, I haven’t been following a checklist (or any consistent routine).  But I know checklists work for me.  In the last ten years, I have accomplished more than I thought I could.  But I know that I could not have worked at a job, gone to school, stayed married (marriage takes attention and work too), kept my weight and health within a variable but acceptable range, and kept a reasonably clean house, without my daily and weekly checklists.  And because I haven’t been doing what I know works, my weight and health are slipping out of a range that is acceptable to me.

Time to set some goals so I can celebrate little wins.

Time to start a checklist, daily, weekly, and long-term tasks to complete.

Time to celebrate little wins with rewards other than food.  For me, there is enough reward in just completing something.  My reward is fulfilling a promise I make to myself.  It feels so much better to fulfill a promise, than to be letting myself down. I love taking pictures, (I am always younger today than I will be tomorrow, so I need to capture this moment in time), so I will reward myself with a great picture at Christmas, and great pictures in the new year too.

I am actually super excited to be starting another 12 weeks.  I am going to count forward this time, because the counting weeks will not stop this time.  Into the new year, and all next year, I will be showing up, getting things done, and starting to love life again.  I cannot wait to check it all off my list!