The Streak Becomes the Motivation

I like to compete with myself. I cannot always exceed my own self at whatever it is, but occasionally I have a string of successes where I “win,” and it lifts me up in spirit.

And with fatigue from low iron stores, I will grab a pick-me-up wherever I can get it.

In July of 2024, I taught my last online class at my university. After 3 years, they were discontinuing my classes as an online option. Unless I was going to move a province away to a big city and teach on campus, I was done. I was truly grateful for those 3 years. I loved being what I considered, not just an instructor of the creative writing curriculum that I wrote myself, but a cheerleader for those students, “Be seen, be heard, tell your story!” Because I worked for the Faculty of Continuing Education, I worked with aspiring creative writers during those 3 years from ages 18 all the way to 70! I really connected with almost every student, especially one in particular, who subsequently thanked me in the dedication to his self-published book!

I will admit, however, losing that job sent me into a serious funk. I had zero motivation to do anything, really. But somehow I still managed to walk to the mailbox everyday, log it on RunKeeper, (old habits die hard), and I didn’t break the streak that I did not even know I was in the process of creating. I only completed 30 kms walked that entire month, but it was just consistent enough to count.

Good lesson there, even a little is better than nothing.

Then early in August of 2024, I did an 8 kilometer hike with my sister, (yes, up a mountain, moderate difficulty), made even more difficult because for the entire month of July just prior I had walked so little. When I was checking out our elevation gain, time, etc., (because prior to that I had only been walking exclusively on flat pavement since about 2021), I noticed on RunKeeper I was almost at 10,000 all time kilometers walked since I started using the app in 2012. That lit a fire under my butt, and the push was on to hit that 10,000.

At the very end of August, 2024, I did two 10K walks, two days in a row, and hit that goal.

I also did two more 10K walks about a week later, (ensuring one was actually 12K), so that all four walks combined equaled a full marathon. I had done something similar four years earlier, completing my only two 20K walks ever, (ensuring one was actually 22K), so that both walks combined equaled a full marathon and match that it was the year 2020: two 20’s in 2020.

Anyhow, earlier this year that I noticed RunKeeper congratulated me on reaching a 130 week streak, (a little notification red dot had appeared on the bell icon that I hadn’t noticed before, and I clicked on it). I quickly did the math and realized that if I kept it up, 156 weeks would equal 3 years, and I would arrive at that milestone around the end of June, 2026.

Well, this morning it happened. I logged and completed a walk, and I hit 3 years of consistent weekly walking! (Including 14 hikes last summer with my sister, yes, I counted them, I love to count things, can you tell from this post?)

I also have already walked over 142 kms this month, (two more days to go), which beats last year June where I only walked 141 kms the whole month.

I also walked more kilometers in 2025 than I had ever before logged on RunKeeper in any prior calendar year.

Now what? I am only 65 kilometers from 13,000 all time total, so there is that to look forward to in the next few weeks.

Walking is the best (and least stressful) cardio activity I can do to help keep my heart strong while it deals with the extra burden it is dealing with. The moderate amount of daily walking I do does NOT actually add to that burden, because the heart is both an organ and a muscle. The primary tissue that makes up the bulk of the heart is cardiac muscle, which allows it to contract continuously. The worst thing I could do is let that muscle weaken over time by NOT gently “flexing” that muscle with healthy activities, (as discussed with my cardiologist).

Even when I am not motivated, tracking streaks keeps me going out the door. 😊 Not sure what will keep me going after 13,000, but I am sure I will find some new streak to count.

My Feelings Are Hungry Today

Well, this explains the extra fatigue and the extra shortness of breath I have been experiencing throughout the spring. Thank goodness those extra symptoms are less likely to be a worsening mitral valve regurgitation problem, and are instead being aggravated by my very low iron problem. (As well as my low red blood cell count, hematocrit, and sodium, all flagged low, but I only took a picture of my ferritin—iron stores—for this post). Because these days, it is so easy for me to jump to the conclusion that every chest twinge, stitch, flutter, and huff puff moment, is my heart. Ug!

Everyday, I was taking my iron supplement with my lunch, and usually waiting at least 2 hours before my next cup of black tea (many teas being full of iron absorption blocking tannins). This is because taking it in an empty stomach would upset my stomach. Add in that I have slow gastric emptying due to hEDS, that has probably been partly why taking a ferrous gluconate supplement has not been helping me according to my recent blood tests. What a waste of tablets!

My doctor has suggested simply taking it at night, (with a vitamin c source), but that I should also space it out away from when I take my progesterone, (which I am on as part of HRT to slow my bone loss), so I am giving it the best chance that nothing interferes with it.

I think I am becoming quite high maintenance to myself, lol.

I know it’s not my doctor’s job to be alarmed or concerned by my flagged low numbers. Her job is to work the problem and suggest changes I can make that may help. But ever since talking to her…I have been craving something. Some unmet need now feels hungry, and I finally figured out what it is. I feel unwell and vulnerable, and I guess I hoped she would step in with a guaranteed solution for me, like an iron infusion (but obviously, I am not unwell enough to need an infusion, despite feeling listless and lethargic at times). Instead, it’s all up to me, myself, and I. No one is coming to rescue me except me. That is perfectly reasonable, but still left me hungry for someone to take care of me, because on a certain level I feel too fragile to take care of myself. But I am not that fragile. I am still doing really well, (despite crappy iron levels).

I am still quite healthy overall despite any and all of my health diagnoses. I have to remind myself of that more often.

I think I also felt that way when I saw my cardiologist at the end of March and discussed the changes between my 2 echocardiograms. She was happy with the numbers, even though they were technically worse than they had been, so I was confused. No alarm? No upset? No alarm, because I now realize that when a cardiologist or medical professional looks at my numbers, they see a heart with severe MR that is compensating exactly how it is supposed to. Therefore, I was sent home with…nothing to do except continue doing what I am doing. I really see now why I was left feeling…like no one is doing anything for me, I felt so alone! I see clearly now that it’s my heart that is doing all the work here, (not the doctors). And it’s entirely up to me to just continue to support my heart. I feel a lot better today realizing what has been going on in my mind about this situation, and the subliminal assumption I had that anyone other than me needs to be doing anything about it.

That stops now. No one is coming to save me but me, and that is okay. Even though I feel…vulnerable, at times, that is more about the past than the present. This is the present. I need to quit looking outside myself to have my needs met. That is where I went wrong with the doctor. I didn’t realize it prior to the phone call, but I was looking to her to fix it. But no one can fix it (improve, but not “fix”) because it just is. And just like with most things, it’s up to me to fix what I can, and live my best life with the things that cannot be fixed.

All this “high maintenance” will be worth it if I feel better and getting my iron back up will take some of the additional pressure off my heart. This was a disturbing realization, that anemia is even worse for someone with my issues, but I need to feel empowered to try and solve it because good chance this is actually something that is solvable! And I am the one to solve it, not the doctor. Fingers crossed.

“Your heart’s primary function is to deliver oxygen to tissues. With mitral valve regurgitation, your heart has to work harder because blood is leaking backward instead of moving forward into the body. When you are anemic, your blood’s capacity to carry oxygen is severely reduced. To compensate, your heart has to pump even faster and harder to deliver the same amount of oxygen to your organs. This puts extra, unnecessary stress on a damaged mitral valve and can accelerate the progression toward heart failure.”

My resting heart rate is up a bit in the last month from what is normal for me, and I want to see if I can get it back down. 😊

My First Follow-up DexaScan for Comparison

I am less than 3 weeks away from a 3-year (156 week) streak on RunKeeper. In the 14 years I have been tracking physical activities on that app, this will be the first time I have ever achieved a streak of consistency of this magnitude.

Therefore this blog post is NOT meant to be me complaining or wallowing in negativity. I am definitely feeling somewhat positive. I am simply processing my new DexaScan information by writing about it, that’s all.

I set the bar really high last year, go me! So, it was to be expected that us mere mortals cannot stay at the pinnacle of our health indefinitely. The fact that last year (at 54 years old) I had such a good scan, was truly a testament to my efforts in the 2 years (2 years of my now 3-year streak) prior to last year’s scan. And this year’s scan does not negate that.

Luckily, I had managed my expectations ahead of time, so I did NOT think this 1-year follow-up scan was going to show improvement. Despite my overall effort, I knew due to health conditions beyond my control, that maybe my previous A grade was headed for a B minus, (a B minus, like my French grade years ago that I mentioned here. I was still really proud of that B minus in French, because I knew the effort it took me to get it).

Well, on the Dexa I went down from an A down to a B+, so I am still really proud, because I know the effort it took me in the last year to still get that grade.

Funny story, (and I do think this is funny), the DexaScan provides a “biological age” that is based on your results. Last year I was “biologically” less than my actual age. This year I am still showing as less than my actual age, BUT the scan says I have aged 5 years in the last 1 year, omg! Part of me thinks that is a bit hilarious, because yeah, reading back through some of my blog posts, with all the different diagnoses I received, seemingly one after another after another, it does feels like I aged 5 years in the last 1, lol. Although this “biological age” is not (in my opinion) medically diagnostic is any way, shape, or form, I feel a bit validated. Because maybe not compared to other people, I am just comparing myself to myself, I have been going through a lot this last year. 5 years in 1 indeed.

In general, I know that my effort in the last year was “relatively” consistent as a healthy lifestyle enthusiast, (just like my mitral valve is in a relatively stable plateau phase, the operative word being “relatively”), and I did my best. My best effort each day overall, given the ups and downs of life circumstances each day, was still my best effort. Was I perfect every day in the last year? No. But did I do even better this last year, than in the year preceding my first Dexa? Absolutely, yes!

Kilometers walked:

1 year prior to 1st Dexa = June 14, 2024 to June 13, 2025 = 1176.01 kms.

1 year between 1st and 2nd Dexa = June 14, 2025 to June 10, 2026 = 1463.11 kms.

I must admit, however, the degree at which I lost ground feels like this optimistic and “relatively” stable plateau, with my body adapting to the chronic volume overload from the mitral valve regurgitation, cannot be all that “stable” after all. Which it may not be, but only 2 echos 6.5 months apart is just not enough data to support a definitive conclusion, especially considering I may have had the symptom of shortness of breath for maybe as long as 7 years. But there is not much I can do about it either way, except wait for my next echo in November. Sigh.

Anyhow, without bothering with all the minutia of all my actual Dexa numbers and how they have changed with this first ever opportunity to compare one set of numbers to another, here’s what ChatGTP had to say about it.

“Moderate to severe mitral valve regurgitation can accelerate muscle loss over a 1-year period, even if your nutrition and exercise remain constant. The condition places the heart into a state of chronic volume overload, which can trigger systemic inflammation and metabolic changes that can accelerate systemic bone mineral density (BMD) loss (osteopenia/osteoporosis) and appendicular lean mass depletion (sarcopenia).

Even when nutrition and exercise routines remain perfectly unchanged, the progressive mechanical inefficiency of a leaking mitral valve triggers profound neurohormonal, inflammatory, and hemodynamic shifts. These changes overpower lifestyle counter-measures, driving rapid tissue degradation that will manifest directly on a follow-up DEXA scan.”

(I am usually the type of person who wants to know everything on a subject, but lordy, maybe this was too much…Feel free to skip these next medical particulars, they are just for my records, my post ends here).

1. Accelerated Bone Mineral Density Loss (Osteoporosis)

DEXA scans measure bone calcium and mineral density. Moderate-to-severe MR triggers a systemic environment that aggressively strips minerals from the skeletal architecture via several mechanisms:

Secondary Hyperparathyroidism: MR-induced forward heart failure decreases renal perfusion. This prompts the kidneys to alter vitamin D and calcium handling, elevating Parathyroid Hormone (PTH). High PTH activates osteoclasts, which rapidly resorb (dissolve) bone to maintain blood calcium levels.
Hyperactivation of the RAAS Axis: The body responds to diminished cardiac output by chronically over-activating the Renin-Angiotensin-Aldosterone System (RAAS). Chronic excess of Angiotensin II directly stimulates the RANKL pathway, a primary molecular driver of osteoclast activity and bone destruction.
Chronic Low-Grade Inflammation: Severe valvular leaks cause chronic venous congestion in the liver and gut, resulting in micro-inflammation and the release of inflammatory cytokines (like TNF-alpha and IL-6). These cytokines simultaneously inhibit bone-building osteoblasts and accelerate bone-destroying osteoclasts.

2. Appendicular Lean Mass Wasting (Sarcopenia & Cachexia)

Advanced DEXA scans also evaluate total body composition, specifically segmenting lean muscle mass. Moderate to severe MR can accelerate a shift down the wasting continuum:

Skeletal Muscle Myopathy: Because a substantial volume of blood backflows into the left atrium with every heartbeat, the forward oxygenated blood flow to skeletal muscles drops. Even if you maintain weight-bearing exercises, this chronic tissue hypoxia restricts protein synthesis and causes mitochondrial dysfunction in the muscles, resulting in a measurable loss of lean tissue.
Transition toward Early Cardiac Cachexia: Chronic volume overload from severe MR alters your metabolic setpoint, shifting the body from an anabolic (building) state to a hyper-catabolic (breaking down) state. Elevated sympathetic nervous system drive (fight-or-flight response) dramatically increases resting energy expenditure, burning through lean muscle tissue regardless of consistent caloric intake.

I Prefer the Term “Healthy Lifestyle Enthusiast”

I am going to stop calling myself a life-long dieter, instead I prefer to think of myself as a Healthy Lifestyle Enthusiast.

Yes, I started dieting very early, learning to count calories from a little book and being given diet foods like SugarTwin, which was different than what my brother was allowed to eat. And I continued to weight cycle up and down, always “going on a diet” for the next 40+ years, yikes! That’s where I was getting the term “life-long.”

When I found out I was Celiac at age 40, that helped me adopt certain food choices that directly affected my health, with the realization that these were permanent changes I was making. And then again at age 48, I saw a huge health improvement going grain free, because there was strong evidence I had become cross-reactive to grains like rice. But I was not going on a gluten-free diet, or a grain-free diet, at the end of which I would go back to “normal.” Instead, I was making permanent and sustainable dietary changes, by finding foods I loved that did not contain gluten, and then those that did not contain grains either, and eating those and only those foods instead, for the rest of my life.

So, I had to become a healthy lifestyle enthusiast to accomplish all of this, and it is the same with a permanent reduced weight into a healthy range.

Moving forward, it’s not “diet obsession” driving me. It’s not body dysmorphia or living and dying by the numbers on the scale. I know that constant weight monitoring can look just like those conditions. But for me, it’s 100% about the daily effort I put into making healthy choices around food that I want to focus on. Just like with gluten free, and then grain free, it’s eating minimally processed and weight maintaining foods only, instead of letting negative emotions rule my choices. No “pass the bag of gluten free potato chips” for me. Maybe I shouldn’t self-judge, but I do evaluate my efforts, and feel better about myself overall when my choices are ruled by a desire to be as healthy as possible. My day does not land the same when it ends with an unplanned overindulgence prompted by wanting to soothe negative emotions.

Maybe it’s not a good thing, to self-judge at all, but I realize I do self-judge my worth each day, (because I conflated weight loss with being worthy of love), based on my food choices. I ask myself, did my choices today reflect how I valve my health? Or did I let negativity suck me down into the “what the hell” effect? I will be honest and just admit it. I have attached my self-worth to that effort I put into achieving healthy results. It’s the success I feel in completing a day of healthy choices, and not about the resulting number on the scale, whatever that may be.

Of course, self-judgement can be detrimental, but some self-judgement is just asking if I am making choices that support my identity as a Healthy Lifestyle Enthusiast, versus when I skip exercise and sit around on the couch all day, or eat something I did not plan. It’s normal for me to judge my behavior and say, “Hey, wait a minute, you are not acting in a way that aligns with your identity. You can do better than that.”

That’s also how I feel about my upcoming DexaScan numbers tomorrow. It is not about the actual numbers, just like it is not about the actual numbers on the scale. The metric is my effort, like what I wrote about here. And my overall effort in the last year has been very good, despite medical, and yes, sometimes emotional struggles too. Struggles are natural, as I have been working through a lot of identity shifting health diagnoses. Yes, it is an identity shift to find out things about yourself that you were completely clueless about. Some days I still don’t feel like I can be a person with heart valve disease, or osteoporosis, or hEDS, but it is my new reality.

In theory, your identity is your choice, but sometimes fate intervenes and changes some of your choice in the matter, especially when it comes to your health. Just like with embracing my identity as someone with Celiac, I am also a healthy lifestyle enthusiast.

Upcoming Reunion and Communication Struggles

I really like how this explains some of my experiences when I communicate with family and friends in a way that has often felt, entirely from my point of view, unbalanced or unreciprocated. I have walked away from these encounters chastising myself for being so needy, for always seeking validation, and for expecting so much from others in a simple exchange of conversation. The result is I end up feeling awkward and rejected and stupid for wanting something that I have not been able to communicate and then receive.

I am writing about this to give myself permission to not be so hard on myself. And to not be hard on others either. Some people cannot do deep, not because they don’t care, but because depth overwhelms them.

I suppose that is why I have turned to this blog in the last year to talk to the internet, but really, to talk to myself. To go deep with myself where I need to go deep. To validate myself.

I used to just stuff down all these feelings and unmet needs with food. It remains to be a struggle to not go back to that old maladaptive coping skill.

I have really appreciated this blog space to explore topics on a deep level where I meet myself, rather than expecting others to somehow read my mind and know what I am searching for, so they can meet me where I want them to meet me.

I don’t know whether this type of processing (which I have done my whole life) constitutes being on the Autism spectrum. But I have certainly struggled to maintain relationships, struggled with almost every conversation I have, and wondered if I could simply blame ASD, (which is higher in the hEDS population than in the regular population). This struggle for me is very internal, and in the last few years without using food to stuff down my bad feelings, I find myself just wanting to have less and less conversations.

Next weekend I am attending my second annual kindergarten class reunion. Yes, kindergarten. Well, almost all of us were in the same kindergarten class, so that’s what I call it. Our hometown had an upper land area called “the bench” that was subdivided into residential houses only, (no commercial businesses), with one elementary school up there that was kindergarten through grade 7, all in one school. We all lived on the bench within 3 blocks of one another, and we all went to that school. Almost all of us (except one whose family emigrated to Australia) ended up going through high school together also, and graduated together. It was pretty special to graduate with almost the exact same gals who you went to kindergarten with. Our reunion was basically only 1 day last year (with a few out of town guests staying a few extra nights), and this year it’s going to be 3 days. Even though I am local to where we are having the reunion, I am staying over for a night also, as to not miss out on the sleepover aspect. Wow, I am 55-years old and I get to go to a sleepover with these gals, just like when we were kids! I can’t wait!

But I am also dreading it.

Because it means I am going to have to talk to people, for a whole weekend.

I have already imagined a few scenarios where I fake an illness and cancel last minute. But I don’t really want to cancel. Truthfully, one of the only reasons why I won’t cancel is to ensure I get to be in all the pictures, and get copies shared to me of all the photos. Omg, you know me and how I love to take a perfect picture (that I wrote about here).

So, I will go, but I know that I just have to try and relax and lesson my expectations. And forgive myself for how I may struggle with how I communicate. And then try not to agonize too much about it for weeks afterwards. (This list is me, except for 4. Instead of going quiet, I talk too much and overshare, and then I really spend a lot of time with number 7).

The Definition of Looking Good

I came across this the other day, and it made me laugh. And, of course, then I wanted to do a deep dive into what it means to me to “look good.”

First of all, for me, defining any phrase is entirely individual, subjective, and can come with multiple meanings. It is far too easy these days to jump to a conclusion when someone says anything, really, unless we constantly keep ourselves in check by remembering we only know our own meaning, not someone else’s meaning. (Unless we ask them, and then they tell us their particular, individual, and specific meaning).

So, I’ll tell you my meaning.

Right now, I still care to “look good” in photos. And I have posed for wonderful photos at all my weights, up and down the scale, (that I wrote about here, never requiring before hand that I weighed a “perfect weight,” or I would have missed out on getting the photo taken). I think a person can “look good” in a photo at any size. But looking good in a scan or x-ray, for me, is the desire to get the all clear that things “look good” medically.

In the last 12 months, I pretty much have had more experience with this than I had had in my entire life prior.

June 2025 = DexaScan. Interestingly, my mom had a different aesthetic in mind when she commented my bone scan skeleton picture was “not very flattering.” Omg, I can’t even make this up, yes, she said that. On one hand, sure, she was “sort of” joking. On the other hand, she really was sizing up the spread of my hips in the picture.

I am assuming my hips were what she was looking at, because that was the body part that shows as somewhat skewed in the picture. This DexaScan skeleton picture is broken up into sections. which skews how it looks compared to my other DexaScan picture taken at the same time. But my hips were what my mom always pointed out to me as a kid. If I had just been “slim-hipped,” like her growing up, instead of having “saddlebags like my grandmother,” then maybe I wouldn’t have been given sugar twin and diet yogurt and denied chocolate at Easter. Yes, once puberty hit, my older brother’s gift was still chocolate, in fact, 50 Cadbury Easter Cream eggs. But my gift was a Gund stuffed bunny, no chocolate allowed for me. I still loved the stuffed bunny, by the way, but being treated differently than my brother based on my body shape and weight took an emotional toll that I am finally allowing myself to grieve and process, (still a work in progress, because I can clearly see from the photo below—1984, I am 13 years old—that there was absolutely nothing “wrong” with me at that age, but I interpreted the messages I was receiving that there was something wrong with me, and back then had even added a “fun” sticker to the picture in my old album).

August 2025=Echocardiogram. The ultrasound technologist said, “Your heart is very photogenic,” (which struck me, as it reminded me of what my mom had said about my Dexa). So, I asked her, what makes it photogenic? She said something along the lines of not being barrel chested helped, and having gaps between my ribs, allowing the ultrasound probe to send and receive sound waves without bone obstruction, which eliminated dark shadows. And a thinner chest wall and less tissue between the skin and the heart meant better ultrasound penetration, resulting in sharper image resolution. Cool.

October 2025=Bone Density Scan. Anyhow, short story long, I do care about “looking good” medically. And I suppose with purple (cyanotic?) fingers on the Dexa, which led to the investigation and diagnosis of hEDS…And then the Echo, which led to a diagnosis of Mitral Valve Heart Disease…And then questionable bone density numbers on the Dexa, which led to a medically diagnostic bone density scan and a diagnosis of osteoporosis…I just feel that my overall spirit took a hit with so many “not looking good” results. And truthfully, my repeat echo at the end of February was the worst yet, because it meant my situation is progressive, not stable like I was hoping for prior to that first repeat scan for comparison. I don’t worry about it all day, every day, but I do worry my next echo in November won’t be “looking good” either.

Speaking of repeat scans, I have my first repeat Dexa June 10. Yes, I seem like a glutton for punishment, but this is my first chance to have an opportunity to compare to my last year’s scan, (the scan that started it all).

But I must not let NOT “looking good” in this next Dexa, (and I mean medically, not aesthetically, like what my mom looked at, lol), bring me down in any way. I worked hard this last year no matter what the scan says. Even if nothing is better, had I thrown in the towel, it would have been worse. Like my French grade that I wrote about here, even if I get a B minus instead of an A, I know in my heart that I have still given this health journey my best effort, and plan to continue.

Well, you look like yourself, but you’re somebody else, only it ain’t on the surface

You’re Somebody Else

Song by Flora Cash ‧ 2017

I saw the part of you

That only when you’re older, you will see too

You will see too

I held the better cards

But every stroke of luck has gotta bleed through

It’s gotta bleed through

You held the balance of the time

That only blindly I could read you

But I could read you

It’s like you told me

Go forward slowly

It’s not a race to the end

Well, you look like yourself

But you’re somebody else

Only it ain’t on the surface

Well, you talk like yourself

No, I hear someone else though

Now you’re making me nervous

You were the better part

Of every bit of beating heart that I had

Whatever I had

I finally sat alone

Pitch black flesh and bone

Couldn’t believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself

But you’re somebody else

Only it ain’t on the surface

Well, you talk like yourself

No, I hear someone else though

Now you’re making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself

But you’re somebody else

Only it ain’t on the surface (on the surface)

Well, you talk like yourself

No, I hear someone else though

Now you’re making me nervous (nervous)

Where are we?

Well, you look like yourself

But you’re somebody else

Only it ain’t on the surface

Well, you talk like yourself

No, I hear someone else though

Now you’re making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself

But you’re somebody else

Only it ain’t on the surface (on the surface)

Well, you talk like yourself

No, I hear someone else though

Now you’re making me nervous (nervous)

I saw the part of you

That only when you’re older, you will see too

You will see too

I know I Shouldn’t Care So Much

Apparently, there are 7 stages of grief. They have added in the initial shock as the first stage. You have to first find out about it (whatever it is that will cause the grief), before you can be in denial about it. And they have also added in processing the grief, as the last stage. Because after acceptance, you need to process it.

7. Processing grief

“There is no right or wrong way to grieve – the process is highly individual. In addition, there’s no quick fix; the healing process takes time and varies from person to person. Importantly, there is no “normal” timeframe, so be patient with yourself.

Suggested strategies:

Express your grief in words or another creative outlet, such as painting or drawing.
Connect with others – this can be loved ones or community support groups.
Ask for help, in whatever form.
Practise deep breathing regularly.
Set small, realistic goals.
Ensure you’re getting enough sleep and aim for some form of movement each day.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet and keep hydrated.
Rehearse how you respond to questions and new situations.”

Me? Because my grief involves a failure of my body, (life limiting failure of my mitral valve requiring open heart surgery to repair or replace—which is still not an easy or quick fix), part of me is hyper-fixating on my body. And I am obviously hyper-fixated on writing about my body. Sorry, lots of “wash, rinse, repeat” in my posts lately.

But who really cares about my body? Well, I care. Maybe too much, but it is part of how I am processing my grief over changes in my body’s health. But what other people think about my body? I don’t really care what other people think, at least not anymore, not like when we are young and we worry about what our friends think of us, (socialized mind stage of adult development).

I’m in my mid-fifties now, and I work hard on my health daily, (even though that is somewhat reluctantly, of late, because of negative thoughts, but I am still working on it anyway). So I really don’t care what someone else thinks about my body, only what I think.

I care—just for me, myself, and I, and that helps encourage me to still take care of my body daily. Sticking to a daily healthy plan.

I still have all the diet culture scripts I grew up with. The ones that said thinner is better, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips, etc. AND the perfectly toned bodies of women I grew up with in magazines, on TV, and in film still have their imprint on me. Growing up, those were bodies I didn’t seem to match, because I had…cellulite…even as a teenager. And now, thanks to aging, I have wrinkles. And, thanks to weight instability (losing and regaining hundreds of pounds, literally,) I have shrinkles. And I care, maybe more than I should, about how I look when my husband takes a picture of me. I am not going to lie here on my blog, and say that I don’t care about how I look, especially in a picture that is a visual reminder for a memory of a moment or event.

I don’t care what other people think about how I look…but yeah, I care, for me, myself, and I, (and for the picture), about how I look, for myself.

But! Thanks to about 2.5 years of weight stability and daily walking, I am less…embarrassed (in how I self-judge)…about wearing mid thigh shorts. And again, I wasn’t embarrassed because I worried about what other people would think about the uneven texture of my thighs. I was embarrassed because of what I thought about the uneven texture of my thighs. Frankly, I saw it as a reminder of how I had not taken care of myself, my health. I would even feel painful pangs of regret when I looked at a photo that highlighted something like wrinkled and shrinkled thighs.

In fact, knowing I will regret it all over again if I do NOT take care of myself moving forward, is sometimes the ONLY thing stopping me from turning to overconsumption of a large amount of food (sugar, my favorite) to numb my emotions. Fear of regret is powerful for me. I have been taking care of myself better than constant over-consuming for almost 3 years now. And for me, that is huge, having never managed it for such a long stretch of time before now.

My husband took the picture of me on the left on May 12, 2024. And I was embarrassed 😳. From my point of view, my thighs were really wrinkled and shrinkled from my 70 pound weight loss, which reminded me I had not been taking care of myself when I gained that weight (over and over again).

The picture on the right is from April 25, 2026, and my 2.5 years of regular walking, weight loss, and then weight stability has made some definite improvement. So, it still doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is what I think, and I can see positive results. That gives me less regret about the past, and helps me stay in the present and leave the past behind me. The future is also uncertain, health wise, so it is more important than ever to stay in the present moment.

And it does not matter if it’s all down hill from here (realistically, I am not getting any younger, lol), because I am proud of the hard work I have put in to maintain my weight right now, and that I prioritize daily movement. I am reminding myself there was/is a real important reason every day to forego overconsumption of food to momentarily soothe my emotions, and instead to do the best I can with my health, (regardless of outcomes that are beyond my control). Even if it does not rise to the power to make some of my health issues disappear, NOT making my health worse is still power I do have.

And honestly, focusing on wrinkles and shrinkles is a wonderful distraction from thinking about my heart adaptively remodeling itself while it fights with my prolapsed mitral valve leaflets. And this is accountability for me also. How can I post about prioritizing my health despite wanting to chuck in the towel, if I then don’t follow through? If I say here that I am going to stick to the healthy plan, and NOT fall into a pound of sugary foods that will increase my heart rate and blood pressure, then, well, I guess I have to stick the healthy plan.

Well, I Did Not See This Coming

April 19, 2026 – Gorge Creek Trail.

This is another blog post I am writing mostly just for me. I need to say these things out loud, write them down, put them out there.

I am really struggling.

As this is my very first time in LONG term weight maintenance, I think it is really good that I have created this blog. Because it is so easy to forget where I was at just 2 years ago, and what I was learning about myself, and hopefully remembering that now will help me.

I went looking for an old blog entry from 2 years ago, because we had gone hiking to Gorge Creek (with 4 waterfalls) around this same time in April, and I remembered taking a picture there and using it in a post. I simply wanted to know what exact date in the spring that was, because I want to go hiking there again. (Turns out, the hike I was thinking of was on April 20, 2024, and I posted the picture on my May 1, 2024, post).

It was a struggle to plan to hike there again, and then follow through, just like I had to “make” myself go skating on Wednesday. But like Wednesday, I was so glad we went and did the same Gorge Creek hike we did exactly 2 years ago. I wasn’t sure my body would think it was the “same” hike as 2 years ago, because it feels like so much has changed with what I know about my health since then. But I am still me, and it was not a strenuous trail then or now, or I would not have planned to do it at all. (My husband and I did a very strenuous hike in 2021, long before I knew I had a heart valve problem, and we decided right after that hike we would NEVER attempt that one ever again, and we won’t. Eagle Pass Lookout, you are one and done! Gorge Creek I could do every single day).

It really helped to revisit that same place, and take a similar picture, to remind myself = I am still me.

But, when I went looking for that 2 year old photo, I ended up reading my blog entry from May 25, 2024, and a few lines I wrote back then really struck me today. This one:

“I don’t think I was necessarily taught to hate myself, but I have spent a lot of my life disliking lots of parts of myself anyway.”

And this one:

“And I realize, almost as though it is all of a sudden, those feelings are just gone right now.”

Well…that self-hated is back. I did not anticipate that.

Even though back in 2024, I did not know why those feelings were gone, their absence has really helped me in the last 2 years not go back to overeating to smooth the jagged edges of my emotions. However, I think (I know) they are back right now because of this line I wrote 2 years go:

“It [self-hated] enabled me to do self-destructive things like not take care of myself.”

Part of me, right now, is tired of taking care of myself…because taking care of myself didn’t stop what has happened to my heart valve, so what’s the point? So, if I hate myself again, then I can give up on myself. I am literally looking for an excuse to self-destruct.

Wow.

I know that sounds so stupid, let alone self-destructive. I have also written about being deliberately self-destructive before. It’s an awful thing some of us have done to ourselves. When we hurt, we go inward and hurt ourselves even more, even hurting ourselves physically. Sometimes it helps to hurt physically to match how much it hurts mentally. I have hurt myself in the past in this way, with terrible food choices that cause painful reactions, overeating that cause physical discomfort, and of course, the resulting weight gain that cause both physical and emotional pain.

Wow.

Of course, I KNOW that instead of self-destructing, I must just control what I can, and let go of what I can’t. What I can control? I can stay healthy and steady with planning what I eat and eating what I plan, and not speed up progression of my heart valve failing. BUT, what I can’t control? I can’t slow down the progression of my heart valve failing either.

And that is where I keep getting stuck.

So, I have to be honest, I am really struggling. And only I can validate myself in this struggle, right here, right now, on this blog. Therefore, this is another blog post I am writing just for me. I need to stay it all out loud, write it down, and put it out there. I am really struggling.

And my good old friend self-hated wants to step up to the plate (no pun intended) and help me out (but NOT really help, obviously) by leading me down the path to ultimately painful overeating. I can hear a vintage Roseanne Barr comedy act in my head, (I am paraphrasing from memory): “When you’re sad, fat moms are so much better than skinny moms—because do you want to know my advice? Here, eat this whole cake, and when you wake up from your sugar coma, it will be a whole new week.” 😊

But I know that eating a whole cake is not going to work in the long run to smooth the emotional jagged edges I am dealing with, they always come right back. And tanking my health right now (heavy overeating WILL raise my heart rate and blood pressure=fact) could instead truly hurt me, so I just have to just NOT do it.

I Went Skating, But it is Still a Struggle

I did it, as promised in this blog yesterday, I went skating, April 15, 2026. At first it was empty, but within 5 minutes I was joined by all the regular users of the arena, who greeted me warmly after my 5 week absence. I was absent due in part to my travels in March, but also due to me struggling to find my footing for the last 2 weeks.

Part of my abstinence from certain behaviors around food (emotional eating, overeating in general) has hinged on my creation of a new identity for myself as a “healthy” person. I have consistently been telling myself a story about what healthy people look like (for me). 1. They exercise regularly. 2. They eat in a balanced way, so that they experience weight stability, (which may look like planning what they eat, and eating what they plan). And 3. They make healthy food choices, choosing whole (less processed) foods where they can, and paying attention to macros like protein grams, for example, depending on their individual needs. I also added in emotional health, like emotionally healthy people don’t procrastinate, they prioritize routines and keep a clean home/environment, and they plan their meals ahead of time to keep a running grocery list (and then they can shop for grocery sale items), things like that.

So, I have been identifying with my personal definition of a healthy person for almost 3 years now. And armed with that identity it was easier NOT to color outside of those “healthy” lines listed above. Bonus, I started to feel really good, and look better too, based on what personal outward-looking goals I had for myself, like get to wear a pair of “skinny” jeans. (To each their own in this regard).

But recently finding out my mitral valve regurgitation is NOT exactly stable has really shaken my identity, from my point of view, as a “healthy” person. My cardiologist confirmed that although my mitral valve heart disease is in a relatively stable plateau phase, it is most definitely a progressive situation, and open heart surgery (probably open heart because of my bileaflet prolapse) is inevitable. No surgery this year, but maybe next year, we will see what my November echo numbers say.

The possibility that my heart could simply remain the same for decades was a story I told myself after my very first echo last summer. And it’s true, 50% of people with a mitral valve prolapse can remain stable for decades. But I was not diagnosed with just a prolapse, I was diagnosed last August with moderate regurgitation (caused by bileaflet prolapse). More likely something in there just finally wore out, maybe as long as 6 or 7 years ago, and it’s been progressing ever since. But we’ve only just now discovered it, with the regurgitation already being near the “severe” stage. I was at the top end of grade 2 last summer, and now I am at grade 3. Despite my heart dealing with the chronic volume overload being considered as in a “relatively stable period of adaptive remodeling,” or “plateau,” the condition is progressing, and fairly steadily, considering the small window of time between my 2 echos (August to February). If this meant true stability, instead of relative stability, I would get to wait a year between my echocardiograms. Instead, I already have one on the books for November.

Since learning all that just over 2 weeks ago, I have been struggling with one question: Healthy people don’t have a chronic, treatable (but incurable), heart valve disease that is progressive, do they? What is my identity now that I know it is progressive?? For the time period after my very first echo last summer, until my cardiologist appointment 2 weeks ago, I told myself there is a chance my regurgitation was stable, and could be stable for decades, because it was true, that was a possibility. But now I have learned that is not the case for me. So, who am I now?

Unfortunately, I have not yet redefined my identity based on this new information, in a way that will move me forward in a positive way. Instead, I am struggling.

I know I keep going over and over this same story about it, here on my blog. But writing about it is how I am working through it, and I am glad I have this outlet.

And I went skating.

This is where I will just leave it for now.