Wow, I didn’t even notice, June was a perfect month. At the end of the month of June, not only was I hitting a solid 3 year streak of tracking a 15 minute activity every single week, I also tracked an activity every single day that month.
So, I just scrolled back through my log on RunKeeper. Even though I had (still have) a perfect streak of tracking something at least once per week for the last 3 years, rarely have I tracked an activity every single day for an entire month. Without a deliberate intention to track something every single day, there was usually a few days each month, here and there, where tracking an activity just wasn’t going to happen. A good example is a day I was getting on a plane to go traveling, getting up early, maybe even with a stopover to change planes, and arriving late. Then getting there, greeting family, unpacking, etc. That is a perfect example of a day where I just wouldn’t bother to also add “track a 15 minute activity” to my to-do list.
During the month of July, I have been casting about for something new to motivate me. I have done a lot of counting how many kilometers I walked in the last 3 years since this accident. But this month I have struggled to keep up the pace, so to speak. I said in this post, we cannot stay at the pinnacle of our health indefinitely. In fact, thinking that we can seems to be a narrative that I see in the social groups around me. Someone completes a 5K race, and they are immediately asked, “Now what? A 10K?” And then after the 10K comes the half marathon, the full marathon, ultra marathon…it can go on and on. But it has to end somewhere, doesn’t it? When is it good enough? When are we done?
The pressure we can put on ourselves to beat our own selves…
Of course, when it comes to staying healthy, we are never done. Working on our health is a daily practice, which we must continue to do, if we are enthusiastic about that kind of lifestyle. However, sometimes we realistically need to adjust. We cannot always be striving to do more and more. But how do we adjust activity, if the need arises, without feeling that doing less somehow makes us less?
I’ve been trying to figure that out. I have been doing less, and unfortunately, I have been allowing myself to feel less.
But then I saw that absolutely perfect month of just 15 minutes a day, for a whole month, and well, I cannot resist making that a goal for August. I am excited, I now have some deliberate intentional motivation to carry me forward. And it’s only 15 minutes of activity to count for the purposes of RunKeeper’s log. 😊
I am still experiencing the “good walk/bad walk” issue I wrote about here. In this picture above, the “bad” walk (yesterday) was actually slightly shorter than the “good” walk today. Is was basically the exact same route both days, but today I added in going to the mailbox too. Today was actually slightly more of a walk than yesterday, both of them only being around 2K, on flat ground, between 9:00 and 10:00am, and not even hot outside. Very easy walks. And yet, my experience of both of those walks was entirely different.
But I have come to realize this unpredictability is just my new normal. And I can’t let this unpredictability stop me from getting out there and going for these nice easy walks, to do my best to maintain my cardiovascular health. Sure, with the discomfort I feel during a “bad” walk, I am not really enjoying myself in the same way I used to. But I have to stop comparing myself to myself, (the person I was last summer, for example, where every single walk was a “good” walk, how spoiled was I??), and just move on with my new normal.
I need to be thankful for how good things still are. And really, for the most part, things are still quite good. 😊
I like to compete with myself. I cannot always exceed my own self at whatever it is, but occasionally I have a string of successes where I “win,” and it lifts me up in spirit.
And with fatigue from low iron stores, I will grab a pick-me-up wherever I can get it.
In July of 2024, I taught my last online class at my university. After 3 years, they were discontinuing my classes as an online option. Unless I was going to move a province away to a big city and teach on campus, I was done. I was truly grateful for those 3 years. I loved being what I considered, not just an instructor of the creative writing curriculum that I wrote myself, but a cheerleader for those students, “Be seen, be heard, tell your story!” Because I worked for the Faculty of Continuing Education, I worked with aspiring creative writers during those 3 years from ages 18 all the way to 70! I really connected with almost every student, especially one in particular, who subsequently thanked me in the dedication to his self-published book!
I will admit, however, losing that job sent me into a serious funk. I had zero motivation to do anything, really. But somehow I still managed to walk to the mailbox everyday, log it on RunKeeper, (old habits die hard), and I didn’t break the streak that I did not even know I was in the process of creating. I only completed 30 kms walked that entire month, but it was just consistent enough to count.
Good lesson there, even a little is better than nothing.
Then early in August of 2024, I did an 8 kilometer hike with my sister, (yes, up a mountain, moderate difficulty), made even more difficult because for the entire month of July just prior I had walked so little. When I was checking out our elevation gain, time, etc., (because prior to that I had only been walking exclusively on flat pavement since about 2021), I noticed on RunKeeper I was almost at 10,000 all time kilometers walked since I started using the app in 2012. That lit a fire under my butt, and the push was on to hit that 10,000.
At the very end of August, 2024, I did two 10K walks, two days in a row, and hit that goal.
I also did two more 10K walks about a week later, (ensuring one was actually 12K), so that all four walks combined equaled a full marathon. I had done something similar four years earlier, completing my only two 20K walks ever, (ensuring one was actually 22K), so that both walks combined equaled a full marathon and match that it was the year 2020: two 20’s in 2020.
Anyhow, earlier this year that I noticed RunKeeper congratulated me on reaching a 130 week streak, (a little notification red dot had appeared on the bell icon that I hadn’t noticed before, and I clicked on it). I quickly did the math and realized that if I kept it up, 156 weeks would equal 3 years, and I would arrive at that milestone around the end of June, 2026.
Well, this morning it happened. I logged and completed a walk, and I hit 3 years of consistent weekly walking! (Including 14 hikes last summer with my sister, yes, I counted them, I love to count things, can you tell from this post?)
I also have already walked over 142 kms this month, (two more days to go), which beats last year June where I only walked 141 kms the whole month.
I also walked more kilometers in 2025 than I had ever before logged on RunKeeper in any prior calendar year.
Now what? I am only 65 kilometers from 13,000 all time total, so there is that to look forward to in the next few weeks.
Walking is the best (and least stressful) cardio activity I can do to help keep my heart strong while it deals with the extra burden it is dealing with. The moderate amount of daily walking I do does NOT actually add to that burden, because the heart is both an organ and a muscle. The primary tissue that makes up the bulk of the heart is cardiac muscle, which allows it to contract continuously. The worst thing I could do is let that muscle weaken over time by NOT gently “flexing” that muscle with healthy activities, (as discussed with my cardiologist).
Even when I am not motivated, tracking streaks keeps me going out the door. 😊 Not sure what will keep me going after 13,000, but I am sure I will find some new streak to count.
I am less than 3 weeks away from a 3-year (156 week) streak on RunKeeper. In the 14 years I have been tracking physical activities on that app, this will be the first time I have ever achieved a streak of consistency of this magnitude.
Therefore this blog post is NOT meant to be me complaining or wallowing in negativity. I am definitely feeling somewhat positive. I am simply processing my new DexaScan information by writing about it, that’s all.
I set the bar really high last year, go me! So, it was to be expected that us mere mortals cannot stay at the pinnacle of our health indefinitely. The fact that last year (at 54 years old) I had such a good scan, was truly a testament to my efforts in the 2 years (2 years of my now 3-year streak) prior to last year’s scan. And this year’s scan does not negate that.
Luckily, I had managed my expectations ahead of time, so I did NOT think this 1-year follow-up scan was going to show improvement. Despite my overall effort, I knew due to health conditions beyond my control, that maybe my previous A grade was headed for a B minus, (a B minus, like my French grade years ago that I mentioned here. I was still really proud of that B minus in French, because I knew the effort it took me to get it).
Well, on the Dexa I went down from an A down to a B+, so I am still really proud, because I know the effort it took me in the last year to still get that grade.
Funny story, (and I do think this is funny), the DexaScan provides a “biological age” that is based on your results. Last year I was “biologically” less than my actual age. This year I am still showing as less than my actual age, BUT the scan says I have aged 5 years in the last 1 year, omg! Part of me thinks that is a bit hilarious, because yeah, reading back through some of my blog posts, with all the different diagnoses I received, seemingly one after another after another, it does feels like I aged 5 years in the last 1, lol. Although this “biological age” is not (in my opinion) medically diagnostic is any way, shape, or form, I feel a bit validated. Because maybe not compared to other people, I am just comparing myself to myself, I have been going through a lot this last year. 5 years in 1 indeed.
In general, I know that my effort in the last year was “relatively” consistent as a healthy lifestyle enthusiast, (just like my mitral valve is in a relatively stable plateau phase, the operative word being “relatively”), and I did my best. My best effort each day overall, given the ups and downs of life circumstances each day, was still my best effort. Was I perfect every day in the last year? No. But did I do even better this last year, than in the year preceding my first Dexa? Absolutely, yes!
Kilometers walked:
1 year prior to 1st Dexa = June 14, 2024 to June 13, 2025 = 1176.01 kms.
1 year between 1st and 2nd Dexa = June 14, 2025 to June 10, 2026 = 1463.11 kms.
I must admit, however, the degree at which I lost ground feels like this optimistic and “relatively” stable plateau, with my body adapting to the chronic volume overload from the mitral valve regurgitation, cannot be all that “stable” after all. Which it may not be, but only 2 echos 6.5 months apart is just not enough data to support a definitive conclusion, especially considering I may have had the symptom of shortness of breath for maybe as long as 7 years. But there is not much I can do about it either way, except wait for my next echo in November. Sigh.
Anyhow, without bothering with all the minutia of all my actual Dexa numbers and how they have changed with this first ever opportunity to compare one set of numbers to another, here’s what ChatGTP had to say about it.
“Moderate to severe mitral valve regurgitation can accelerate muscle loss over a 1-year period, even if your nutrition and exercise remain constant. The condition places the heart into a state of chronic volume overload, which can trigger systemic inflammation and metabolic changes that can accelerate systemic bone mineral density (BMD) loss (osteopenia/osteoporosis) and appendicular lean mass depletion (sarcopenia).
Even when nutrition and exercise routines remain perfectly unchanged, the progressive mechanical inefficiency of a leaking mitral valve triggers profound neurohormonal, inflammatory, and hemodynamic shifts. These changes overpower lifestyle counter-measures, driving rapid tissue degradation that will manifest directly on a follow-up DEXA scan.”
(I am usually the type of person who wants to know everything on a subject, but lordy, maybe this was too much…Feel free to skip these next medical particulars, they are just for my records, my post ends here).
1. Accelerated Bone Mineral Density Loss (Osteoporosis)
DEXA scans measure bone calcium and mineral density. Moderate-to-severe MR triggers a systemic environment that aggressively strips minerals from the skeletal architecture via several mechanisms:
Secondary Hyperparathyroidism: MR-induced forward heart failure decreases renal perfusion. This prompts the kidneys to alter vitamin D and calcium handling, elevating Parathyroid Hormone (PTH). High PTH activates osteoclasts, which rapidly resorb (dissolve) bone to maintain blood calcium levels.
Hyperactivation of the RAAS Axis: The body responds to diminished cardiac output by chronically over-activating the Renin-Angiotensin-Aldosterone System (RAAS). Chronic excess of Angiotensin II directly stimulates the RANKL pathway, a primary molecular driver of osteoclast activity and bone destruction.
Chronic Low-Grade Inflammation: Severe valvular leaks cause chronic venous congestion in the liver and gut, resulting in micro-inflammation and the release of inflammatory cytokines (like TNF-alpha and IL-6). These cytokines simultaneously inhibit bone-building osteoblasts and accelerate bone-destroying osteoclasts.
2. Appendicular Lean Mass Wasting (Sarcopenia & Cachexia)
Advanced DEXA scans also evaluate total body composition, specifically segmenting lean muscle mass. Moderate to severe MR can accelerate a shift down the wasting continuum:
Skeletal Muscle Myopathy: Because a substantial volume of blood backflows into the left atrium with every heartbeat, the forward oxygenated blood flow to skeletal muscles drops. Even if you maintain weight-bearing exercises, this chronic tissue hypoxia restricts protein synthesis and causes mitochondrial dysfunction in the muscles, resulting in a measurable loss of lean tissue.
Transition toward Early Cardiac Cachexia: Chronic volume overload from severe MR alters your metabolic setpoint, shifting the body from an anabolic (building) state to a hyper-catabolic (breaking down) state. Elevated sympathetic nervous system drive (fight-or-flight response) dramatically increases resting energy expenditure, burning through lean muscle tissue regardless of consistent caloric intake.
No one who diets likes a plateau…except now I am thinking plateaus are a really good thing.
Going to see the cardiologist yesterday, actually speaking to a human being who is an expert about the changes in measurements on my 6.5 month follow-up echo, was an interesting roller coaster of emotions for me. On one hand, it’s good news. On the other hand, hEDS is still a wild card with more unpredictable outcomes. Last night, I certainly felt an emotional let down of sorts, just from the emotional build-up to the visit, and then experiencing the after effect of finally having the appointment and thinking to myself, “Now what?”
Either way, just like with any chronic health condition of this type, there is literally nothing I can do about it while my heart just does what it wants to do, except just keep living my best, healthy life.
Sigh. But I’d rather eat cake, lol. And I wish I didn’t have to constantly employ discipline to NOT worry about it (and to NOT eat cake).
Even though a lot of my appointment from yesterday sounds like Charlie Brown listening to his parents or teachers talk, I am pretty sure she said something along the lines of this:
“In patients with moderate-to-severe mitral valve regurgitation (MR) due to bileaflet prolapse, progressive ventricular remodeling—the enlargement of the heart’s left side—often enters a compensated phase that can remain stable for a period of time, though this plateau is highly variable and often shorter in hEDS patients due to tissue fragility.
While chronic volume overload typically causes progressive, unrelenting expansion, the heart may temporarily accommodate the volume, resulting in a chronic, relatively stable stage before transitioning to decompensation (heart failure).
Natural History and “Plateau”: Patients with severe mitral valve prolapse (MVP) can remain asymptomatic with stable ventricular dimensions for many years (a “latent” phase).
Plateau in Moderate-to-Severe Progression: A significant 50% of asymptomatic patients with moderate MR from prolapse will progress to severe MR over a mean of 4.5 years, meaning roughly 50% of patients may not show severe progression during that specific period.”
I think my “latent” phase, when the mitral valve regurgitation started and was mild, was after I first felt something was different, (or simply felt weird in my chest—sort of like shortness of breath), sometime in late 2018, leading to a lung function test in January of 2020 and being told I was fine.
And then it just so happened that getting that very first echo last August, and now this first follow-up echo, has occurred during a progressive remodelling due to chronic volume overload phase, as I progress from moderate to severe. BUT, I am not severe yet. I went from grade 2 to grade 3. I am NOT grade 4. As far as I can remember from what she said, I am most definitely in a “chronic, relatively stable stage,” despite the change from grade 2 to 3. My heart is temporarily accommodating the volume like a champ. Go me and my heart!
But shit, WTF, no matter what I do right now, and every day moving forward, this is not going away or getting better on its own. I am heading for an inevitable destination, and I cannot even be told when I am going to get there.
I asked her point blank, was there a chance I could avoid surgery? The answer, no. I mean, that’s what I thought she’d say, but I actually made her say it, because honestly, part of me still cannot believe any of this. Maybe if I knew I had a mild heart valve problem back in 2018-2020, and then had years and years of knowing this is my reality, (and knowing how “latent” it’s been until now), I could feel a little more confident about this most probable “plateau” phase. But nope, it still feels fresh, and raw, and new every time I have a test or an appointment. Not to mention, due to late diagnosis, I have no idea when my particular plateau phase even started, and therefore have no way to predict when it will end either…not that anyone could have with certainty regardless…sigh.
I know it sounds simple enough. So what, I have a heart valve defect that is progressive, and I’ll eventually have to have it fixed, no big deal, right? When they fix it (try to fix it), they simply open me up, stop my heart and put me on bypass, use their expertise to sew the valve back up, or maybe replace it, and then I go home to recover and live my life…until it starts to fail…again, which is also inevitable. Why even think about it now? It’s all just something that will happen in an unknowable where and when of my future, which is entirely beyond my control. Why let it steal my peace right now, for even 1 second?
Obviously, I am not going to let it steal my peace, generally. BUT, I am not going to lie and say that for just a few seconds, it’s NOT an elephant in every room I walk into. It just is. And it takes a large part of my daily discipline to just let it be there, and to instead NOT scream and cry about it when I feel a twinge in my chest.
I have another echo scheduled for November, and then a follow-up stress test with the cardiologist at the hospital, and we will see what the numbers say. In the meantime, I just have to let it be.
I can do everything “right,” count every macro, take all the vitamins, and my body might still say: Nope!
I have spent a lot of my life (let’s be honest) fairly focused (obsessed) with dieting, because at a young age I grabbed and then held onto the idea that “going on a diet” and losing weight would solve a lot (if not all) of my problems.
I carried this belief well into adulthood, and maybe even a part of me still wants to believe it even now. I simply did not want to let go of the belief that it was true, because diet (all the things I eat in a day) was something I could control, seemingly, in a world of so many things out of our control.
Probably, periods of “giving in” or “losing control” over what I was eating, were JUST so I could go on another diet and feel like I was “taking back control.”
Sigh.
Therefore, I have also spent a lot of time playing mental games with myself when it comes to food and exercise, to unpack excuses from realistic reasons, find the root causes of poor decisions, determine and solve the drivers of motivation and procrastination, and create effective tools and structure for positive routines leading to desirable outcomes.
That all just sounds like a load of crap to me right now. If this was a Nike commercial, it would say: Cut out all the bullshit, and just. do. it. Do better!
But sometimes you are doing better…yet the outcome is still NOT what is expected. I am not perfect, but when I look at how I have been managing my diet, consistently, for the last 2.5 years now, I suspect there is more going on with my body these days than simple calories in and calories out.
It’s not just menopause, (and now I am on HRT). It’s not just two months of numbers displayed on my smart scale. It’s not my clothes. It’s not even my recent test results. It’s something else I can feel, and yes, I think I can see it. I think my body composition is changing, in an accelerated way, and not for the better.
Of course, yes, my smart scale is confirming this. So, which came first, the scale or the feeling? Honestly, the feeling came first, which is why I wanted the scale.
If you listen to medical testimonials on YouTube, you will hear a common theme. “The test results said everything was normal, but I just knew something was wrong.” In my opinion, people do have an instinct about what is going on with their body, even if they struggle to have the language or the ability to say exactly what it is. So they go to the doctor and describe the symptoms they can put words to, and hope the doctor will run the right test that confirms that IF something is wrong, what that something is.
Deep down, I know that I am not saying I think there is something wrong just because a smart scale says there is, or a recent follow up test says there are negative changes. I know it’s because I have been feeling less strong, less capable, like the things that I do take more effort than they used to.
I feel like I my muscles are actually…getting weaker.
I have a sneaking suspicion I am not absorbing as much as one would hope in terms of the protein I do eat…I am thinking of switching to high protein (ultra filtered) milk, (even though double the protein will mean double the price), and trying for even higher daily protein goals, to better swing the odds in my favor.
“Why hEDS-Related Delayed Emptying Causes Protein Malabsorption:
Impaired Digestion Time: When the stomach empties too slowly, food remains in the stomach too long, leading to partial digestion and preventing the necessary breakdown of proteins into amino acids for absorption in the small intestine.”
So, I am trying to increase daily protein, to consistently over 100 grams a day, but maybe I am not absorbing it. And because I have NO control over it, I have to stop twisting myself into to knots worrying about it. It is what it is.
That does not mean I want to stop trying, but I have to stop worrying about the outcome. I will be honest, I have been allowing too much worry about outcomes I cannot control steal my peace.
One thing about having a smart scale tracking so many metrics, is I started only weighing myself on it once a week. It was just too weird to try and do it every day. Fluctuating hydration levels meant I could lose a significant amount of muscle (??) in just 24 hours? No, probably not. So, once a week measurements have been making much more sense.
But…it does look like my body composition in terms of muscle is declining.
I am NOT going to let this depress me. Firstly, maybe the scale is not all that accurate. Secondly, it would probably be worse if I was not trying so hard to NOT lose muscle. Could I be doing more to improve my muscle? Probably. Even though I am hitting my protein goals, I am not really resistance training. And that is okay. I am doing really well despite dealing with declining heart function.
I have to look at the good stuff. I feel well overall, but I cannot deny I have had more fatigue to deal with than I did—even at this time last year. But I am not going to beat myself up. I can honestly say I am showing up for my health every day and doing the best I can with the energy I have.
I could add a little bit of resistance training maybe, but first I am going to talk to my cardiologist at the end of the month about exercise (and muscle loss) and fatigue.
I am glad I got the scale. I would rather have a rough idea where I am at (give or take it’s unverifiable accuracy), than just pretend everything is probably fine, and be really shocked when I get my Dexa Scan in June. This way I am prepared for my Dexa, and who knows, there is a chance I will be pleasantly surprised. Either way, I know I am trying, and tracking is just a part of that, regardless of what the tracking says.
Years ago, (I feel like I was naive back then, maybe I still am, lol), I really tried to examine what would be the first steps on the path to regain. I felt like there was a range of pounds regained on the scale that specifically—yes—that would define that path.
Seems pretty obvious to me now, but numbers on the scale are just the result of walking down a path of my behaviors, focusing on the numbers without addressing the behaviors that caused the numbers.
For me, I realize it is truly not a new higher number on the scale, it is the behaviors that precedes that new number. In fact, certain behaviors and choices (to overeat emotionally) and then NOT seeing the scale go up to a new number (at least, temporarily, or after just one time off plan) used to lead me to think I somehow “got away with it,” (the overeating behavior, that is).
For me, I believe that to achieve long term maintenance, I must NOT allow the behaviors. Period.
What is going to work for me long term is planning what I eat, and eating what I plan, no random unplanned food to stuff down my discomfort. Simple. I can plan dessert. I can plan larger holiday meals. I just CANNOT randomly (without a plan) overeat dessert-type foods to stuff my emotions.
And for me personally, I do not think there is any amount of regained weight that is acceptable for me, IF that weight gain is caused by a return to old behaviors in overeating, especially based in the desire to stuff down discomfort (emotional, or even physical). And especially allowing the old behaviors on a regular basis, and then restricting to lose regained weight.
Thankfully, this post is not about regained weight. I currently weigh 122.8 pounds. But January was a rocky month, compounded by a multi-week-long attack of intense immune memory-driven recall dermatitis (external part of the reaction), followed by days of worse than usual digestive problems (internal part of the reaction). Apparently “recall dermatitis is notorious for being slow to fully resolve once it’s activated,” and I have been living that reality. (Sunday, February 1, I still woke up with one itchy pink circle that needed medication. Two other spots were itchy also, but invisible to the eye, not pink). I still feel a tingling “itch” in those spots, as we speak.
My body is unpredictable. Therefore, that can affect the stability of my weight, which is fine just as long as it’s NOT because I made unplanned food choices.
I saw problematic behavioral choices before the systemic immune attack that I do not want to continue, but thankfully, I did not succumb to during. That was a pattern I had of soothing in the past, not just the soothing of emotional discomfort, but sometimes of physical discomfort. Seeking relief. But those behaviors, overeating and/or restricting afterwards, they do NOT/will NOT serve me in a positive way.
I have a habit of assigning meaning to random dates, (meaningless to anyone but me). It can be a bad habit, because healthy routines should not need “special” reminder dates, or special restart dates. Today, right now, is the only date I need to pay attention to.
My heathy routines should just be my daily normal. And they are. Until they aren’t.
Today, I find myself looking back at the past (and past dates) because in the present moment, I find myself concerned. Could I end up returning to my past food behaviors? I definitely thought about it when I struggled with the discomfort of the immune/allergy reaction. I am aware that I carry my past wherever I go. I have discussions with my past. I know that does not sound good. I can (and should) let my past go, and I definitely do NOT want to use my past as an excuse for something I choose to do today. And my future is not yet written, so I can simply choose to live in the moment, and surround all my moments with good choices.
On the other hand, he who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it. That is good advice too.
January 12, 1999: That was a really big date in my past, the anniversary of which was a few weeks ago. It was the first time I ever saw 200 pounds, (204, to be exact), on the scale. After that, I lost quite a bit of weight in 1999.
Then, after making a big geographical move and regaining weight, I also saw 207.5 and 204 pounds, in the years 2003 and 2004.
I have never seen weights as high as those ever since. The closest I have come, I saw 193.5 and 192.9 pounds. The first of those 2 weights was in 2011, and after that weight, in 2012, I went gluten free and lost quite a bit of weight. I saw the second of those 2 weights in 2023, again after another big geographical move, before my recent consistency and determination brought me to where I am today. I have not seen 200 pounds or over on the scale in the more than two decades since 2004. But I spent decades of my life losing and then regaining significant amounts of weight, getting close to some of those 5 high weights I listed. What a waste of my time, losing to only regain, (totaling over 500 pounds! that I wrote about here), over and over again.
Very recently, 5 other dates have been really significant:
1)Dec.21/25
2)Dec.25/25
3)Dec.31/25
4)Jan.5/26
5)Jan.11/26
On all 5 of those days I overate excess food that I did not plan to eat.
I did not have the recall dermatitis attack until January 20, but maybe I had started something smoldering ahead of time with less than perfect food choices, and/or those 5 different days (that I succumbed to old soothing food behaviors) was because the immune attack was already percolating (and depleting my willpower) ever since wearing the adhesive pads for 24 hours on December 9th to 10th. I will never know for sure.
I personally know people that are right now, in these first weeks of 2026, working hard to reclaim their health. And yet on these 5 different dates, my behavior was the opposite, (whether or not I had a possible excuse physically—something effecting my immune system—does not matter, because there will be always be available excuses to “give in” and eat “whatever,” and I canNOT let “I feel bad” emotionally or physically to be one of them). Those dates are representative of me essentially throwing my health away, certainly not holding on to it. The health I have now is health that I have worked my whole life to achieve, (unpredictable reactions aside). I am at a healthy body weight, with the ability to go for walks, go skating, and play on the floor with my grandson. My current health is the culmination of me about to turn 55 year old, having worked consistently to make good choices for the last 2.5 years. Yet, the choices I made on each of these 5 dates…Where am I going to be if I return to that behavior??
What is the number 1 thing on this list of “5 Pillars”? = Health.
1)Health
2)Financial security
3)Routine/peaceful life to calm your nervous system
4)A few true friends
5)Emotional resilience to weather storms and keep moving forward, set boundaries and say yes only to things that support you
After I copied this list, I spent the last few weeks leaning into all 5 of these:
1)I went back to my routine healthy food and exercise choices
2)I worked on our year-end financials, to get/keep our financial ducks in a row
3)I leaned into planning and scheduling my daily routine
4)I went skating and enjoyed the company of other people
5)I proved to myself that I am resilient enough to weather a recent storm
This is a much better list of 5, than my list of those 5 dates of bad choices.
I did have a thought. 2.5 years of discipline and consistency, where I do NOT overeat. There were a few times I did have a little more food than I planned, I am not perfect, but those were an isolated incidents, where I was back the very next day to eating what I planned, (without rapidly following reoccurrences). Then I started HRT on December 15, and after that, I have 5 different days over the course of 3 weeks where I choose to overeat, just like I used to, and I struggled to stop?? Is this a physical response to the HRT? Or am I just comforting something emotional in a way that I have not indulged in for over 2.5 years?? No, I don’t think it was the HRT. More likely it was a depletion of my resources (that I did not know was happening, except I did mention extra fatigue here) that could have been a factor, while my immune system went into overdrive.
It feels like I have turned a corner, and I am still taking HRT. And because no date on the calendar will ever compare in meaning to waking up today, at 122.8 pounds, I am once again feeling resilient. I have made it through my recent “storm” of old behavior, and “storm” of immune reactions, to the other side, where thoughts about turning to excess food as a comfort have gone quiet.
This is not perfection, but progress.
P.S. Something that just tickled my slightly neurodivergent love of patterns, is that despite this being 2026, I think this is my year of 5’s. I just made a list of 5 years where I struggled at my highest weights. I just made a list of 5 dates where I struggled with unplanned overeating. I just made a list of the 5 pillars of health, and I am posting this on the 5th. And I am 5 foot 5.5 inches tall, and I am about to turn 55 years old.
I recently watched this series Run Away on Netflix. I usually multitask a bit while a series plays in the background, so I miss little bits here and there while I am still “listening” to it, but not watching it. But at one point, I did think, “Hey, I didn’t notice before that the daughter was in a wheelchair, oh well, whatever.”
But then this article about it came up on my Facebook feed:
“It looked like a mistake at first. A detail that slipped through editing. But the truth behind it is far more human than viewers expected….
…Anya is played by Ellie Henry, who lives with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It is a genetic condition that affects collagen, making joints unstable and movement exhausting. Some days, a wheelchair is necessary. Some days, it is not.
That reality was carried directly into the character….
…By not turning Anya’s condition into a storyline, Harlan Coben’s adaptation shows something simple and honest. Disability is not always visible. It is not always permanent. And it does not need a spotlight to exist.”
Frankly, 6 months ago I had never heard of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. That was until I was told I had it too, (hypermobility-type), and it explained why my heart mitral valve has torn, why I am struggling with small vessel constriction and circulation in my hands, why I have significant osteoporosis at only 54-years old, why I have sluggish digestion, why I now have bilateral inguinal hernias while simply working at a desk job, why my knee caps slip all over the place, why my shoulder dislocated so easily, (and was then also easily reduced, multiple times in one day, but not without tearing things and taking months to heal), etc.
I never realized with all the walking I do, it involves “muscle guarding” of my joints, especially my knees, which adds to my overall daily fatigue. But I need those lean legs muscles to keep going, so I don’t lose mobility! I notice almost right away, if I stop regular walking, how fast I de-condition. Faster than average, for sure. And my heart mitral valve leaflets did not tear because of some strain I put on my heart. Instead, my heart has strain on it because the valve leaflets are torn. So I need the cardiovascular exercise to keep my heart muscle strong, so it can handle the strain of the back flow of blood (regurgitation) caused by the torn valve leaflets.
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a group of disorders, and has a spectrum, just like so many other things. Previously, I have not been high enough on the spectrum of resulting issues to have ever needed a wheelchair, for example, which is one of the reasons I went undiagnosed for so much of my life. My mother remembers taking me to the doctor at about 18 months old because I “walked funny,” my gait was very strange. She said it was almost as though I was swinging my hips to push my legs forward. In hindsight, it seems so obvious…but I totally understand how hard it would have been to realistically diagnose a loose joint/connective tissue issue at that age. Needless to say, after constant verbal correction, I eventually figured out how to hold my legs in a more steady way, and to walk straight. I also remember constant verbal correction to “stand up straight,” stop walking “knock-kneed,” don’t sit like that, etc. (Of course, extra flexibility alone, which kids naturally have their fair of, does NOT mean you have hEDS, but when you start adding up all the other issues… “If you are having trouble connecting the issues, think connective tissues”).
Anyhow, I just think that it is wild to hear that an actress hired to play a roll on a Netflix series has this same condition. And when cast for the job, Netflix just filmed her either standing and walking, or in a wheelchair, simply depending on her physical needs for the day. I think that is wonderful.
I found this picture from December 2004, from when I was going to Workout Express three to four times per week (after working 9 to 5 at an office). I am even wearing their t-shirt in the picture, and my cheeks are flushed from having just done a workout, and then driven home.
I was dedicated. Until I wasn’t.
It is truly exceptional to not only get fit, but to also stay fit. I tried to get fit and stay fit many times since my year at Workout Express. Did I even make it a year? Yes, I think I made it a year and a half. I quit when I changed jobs in April of 2006, because by then I was not going as much as I used to anyway. When I changed jobs in 2006, I was actually working on “building a career or business.” Both of those things, in fact. Helping my husband build his business, and going back to school part time to build myself a new career too. We were not raising kids full-time, but we were dealing with our fair share of “handling chaos.”
By the time I started this blog in 2019, I was trying to get fit, for the umpteenth time, and it took me a while to get to where I am today. Now I am trying to stay fit while “aging.”
Aging has added a layer of difficulty to staying fit, just like building a career and business, and handling chaos did. Maybe even more of a layer. And, of course, staying fit while handling chaos still exists. Unexpectedly this week, a huge sheet of ice slid off a cube van that we passed on the highway going 60 miles an hour, and it basically wiped out the whole front end of our truck! We were lucky we were not hurt, because it hit our front end, breaking everything through to and including part of the radiator. But luckily we did not get pushed off the road, and it did not hit or go through the windshield. Even though we have insurance, there is plenty of chaos filing the claim, extra traveling for repair estimates, then waiting for all repairs to be done, all the while being without the use of the vehicle until it gets completed, etc. That’s just life.
I have to remember aging is just life too. I need to adapt to the different signals from my body, and it’s fluctuating and/or changing capabilities. 20 years ago, because I was changing jobs, I basically abandoned Workout Express without a clear plan of what I was going to do instead. I have now learned that staying fit means staying with fitness routines, and adapting and changing them as necessary, but never abandoning them.
I know I do not have to justify my decisions about this, but it helps me to articulate outside my own head why I just ordered the Lepulse Smart Scale for myself (with a gift certificate I got for Christmas). This is not an ad for the scale, lol, this is just for me, to organize my own thoughts and set my intention.
But…Is it diet obsession?
Or is it:
Passion
Commitment
Enthusiasm
Devotion
Engagement
Discipline
What does it really take for me to maintain this 70 pound weight loss? For the rest of my life?
I suppose it is all of these things: Passion, Commitment, Enthusiasm, Devotion, Engagement, Discipline, and yes, some diet obsession too.
I would be lying to myself if it did not admit that yes, I spend time (a fair amount of time) every single day logging what I weigh on an app, logging what I eat for total calories on an app, looking at how many macros (and grams of protein) I had for the day based upon what I logged in the app, what my average protein grams were for the week, logging my daily walk on an app, (taking a walk just so I can log it), looking at how many kilometers I have totaled up for the month (or recently, for the year), checking once a month how much body fat percentage my scale estimates I have, (and compare it to the previous month’s reading), checking my waist and hip measurement about once a month too, and so on, and so on…
Am I obsessed? Or just committed? Do I need to continue to be this enthusiastic to keep prioritizing my health like this…for the rest of my life?
Honestly, I think yes, I do have to spend part of my day, every day, paying attention to all these things. In the past, if I did NOT spend time paying attention to making my overall health a daily priority in this way, I did NOT maintain my weight, nor the level of fitness I had previously accomplished. I don’t just mean a previous weight loss. There was a time (2004-2006) when I belong to a gym, Workout Express, and I went there after work 3 or 4 times a week for a 30-minute circuit workout. I even did the 1-hour workouts a few times. And then I just stopped going. There was a time (2017-2021) when I worked out with a friend (treadmill and elliptical) at the gym in her building. And then we just stopped doing it one day, even before we both moved in 2022 to different towns.
And there was a time I stop tracking my walks on Runkeeper (in the first 4 months of 2013), and then it didn’t seem to matter if I took a walk or not. But it did matter, so I started tracking my walks again. Sometimes knowing I am going to track a walk, wanting to track it, is the ONLY thing that gets me out the door in the rain, for example. I find tracking highly motivating, simple as that.
Recently, I was very disturbed by my eating on Christmas Day. It was a true return to my old behavior. I know part of that eating was prompted by feeling terrible (physically), and thinking I could maybe find something to eat that would soothe how my stomach felt. First, I went to liquids, ginger ale, my favorite teas. Then I went to solid food, to soak up the liquid. However I was justifying it to myself at the time, I ended up over-consuming on a large scale, something I had not done in a very long time. I flirted with that behavior in October, over-consuming and indulging in “what’s the point in trying to be healthy” thoughts during Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend. But I was able to quickly stop that thinking, and stop that overeating. I still felt depressed, but thankfully, I stopped wanting to overeat. (I didn’t even really want to eat at all, I felt so down. But I blogged through it, and started to feel better).
But this last week since Christmas, boy, I cannot stop thinking about food. Excess food, sweets, and lots of it. The comfort of stuffing myself with food that day was intoxicating…it created physical discomfort, which somehow eased, or rather distracted, from emotional discomfort.
I think I need to pull out the big guns to get myself through this. So I ordered the smart scale.
Pulling out the big guns=diet obsession. But I find tracking so motivating, and a smart scale will give me new metrics to track. New metrics to obsess over? Maybe. But avoiding the obsession does not cure me of it either. I need to manage it, not hide from it. And if it keeps me going on a healthier path, instead of back to lack of regular activity (because it’s raining/snowing) and weight gain? Then I am choosing obsession.
Far be it from me to tell anyone else how they need to lose weight or maintain weight that has been lost. All I know is for me, counting things, tracking things, seeing small incremental improvements even, (more kilometers walked this month than last, or a faster pace, etc.), is motivating. Even when the numbers do not improve, knowing the numbers helps me to try again the next month, and to keep trying. Bone mass, muscle mass, protein grams, that is what I want to track, even more than a once a year Dexa scan.
Some people may be able to accomplish their goal intuitively, without tracking a thing. That is great. But I know I want to count and track, and I don’t resent having to do it daily. Some people reach a point where they think there is just no way they can keep tracking (whatever it is they are tracking) for the rest of their lives?!? Whereas for me, I am happy to think I can have my whole life sorted, organized, counted, and tracked, every single day, and sure, for the rest of my life, why not.
Even knowing my new scale is supposed to be delivered this afternoon encourages me to get all my winter gear on (which is actually a lot of gear these days) and go for a walk. And to stick only to the food that I plan to eat today, (instead of overeating unplanned leftover sweets), while prioritizing protein.
Whatever it takes to get me out the door each day for cardiovascular exercise, or gets me to do my yoga routine a few times per week, well, it’s worth it. If this scale influences me, I have decided that it will do so in a way that I will use as a super power. I am going to be passionate, committed, enthusiastic, devoted, engaged, and disciplined, and this scale is going to help me track it all.
The Bio Joy Diet 