My trip to Victoria November 10 to 13, went very well. I got my mom unpacked in her new home. It was a lot of work, but super satisfying to go from boxes everywhere, to a home with everything put away.
And I got to meet the new puppy Rory, and spend time with my family.
Then my dad’s COPD medication stopped working effectively, and before long he didn’t even have enough breath to inhale the steroids needed to control the swelling in his airways. In a blink of an eye (about 8 days) he was gone, November 23.
My dad was a father, grandfather, and great-grandfather, and even though he was 80 years old and in complex care with dementia, his death still came as a shock to me. Even when you think you know what is coming because the dementia already took the person you knew and loved, and in a way you have pre-grieved their loss, you still do not know what it will feel like when the day comes, and they are truly gone. And every day after that, you now live in a world where your dad is gone. It makes me sad everyday. I am focusing on the most wonderful memories I have, most especially the times we went skating. I plan to go skating again very soon.
Not surprisingly, my dad’s death also makes me think of how important it is to continue to prioritize my health so I can show up in the way that I want for my family. Being healthy and active means I can enjoy activities like swimming, which I did with my niece in Victoria. And I also went swimming with my grandson just a few days ago in Kelowna. I am happy I am able to comfortably do activities like walk my dog every day that I can, swim with my niece and grandson, and go skating to remember my dad. All my best memories are activities like these, and I want to be able to keep doing them, and that means staying active, so that I am unimpeded when it comes to enjoying the life I want to live.
Since my electric scooter accident in August, that close brush with death, (and an even closer brush with the hot asphalt), has helped force me to appreciate my body and my health, as I worked to heal physically from the accident and mentally from the last 2 years. And this month (Oct 2023), I finally walked over 62 kms, the most I have walked in a month, in the last 15 months, (15 months ago I walked 61 kms in a month). But the last time I did more than that was 18 months ago, when I did 63 kms in a month. Just so you know, in the last 10 years, half the time I have been in triple digits, over 100 kms in a month, sometimes over 200, so 60 plus is slowly but surely working my way back there. 😊
In December 2021, I had hit a low with my weight, just a few points shy of *healthy* according to the BMI. I was working 2 great new jobs online, and I was about to receive my MFA.
But then the serious disruptions to my life started.
My stepson’s marriage ended, which meant he moved in with us for 3 months, and we started navigating grandparenting between two separate single parents, a huge change and sometimes challenge.
Then in 2022, my dad’s illness (FTD, Frontotemporal Dementia) reached a crisis resulting in the tragic death of the family dog (April 2022), my mom injured but alive, and he was put in full-time care. My husband and I moved from Kelowna to Malakwa (May 2022, because we could not find/afford land in Kelowna for our manufactured home). As much as I love Malakwa and feel certain it is our future home for the rest of our lives, my husband has to commute to Kelowna for his job, and that has been hard on his business.
Then I lost my full-time online job (June 2022), had significant wage arrears, and had to start a more than year-long process with Employment Standards (judgment finally granted in my favour Sep 2023). But after more than a year of job searching and nearly 200 rejections later, I have been unable to replace my full-time online job, (I only have casual work online, for which I am still very grateful). Then my stepson decided we were taking the “other side” in his divorce, and he needed to stop seeing us (Sep 2022). The loss of that relationship has been tremendously painful, but thankfully we still have visits with our grandchild through our former daughter-in-law. My brother moved my dad from care in Terrace to complex care in Victoria (Nov 2022), a stressful trip for everyone, before and after. I flew to Terrace and packed up my mom’s house (June 2023) after she sold the house that she and my dad had lived in for almost 3 decades.
And now next week I fly to Victoria to unpack her in her new house, (to get it ready for her new puppy, which may finally heal her heart after the loss of her other dog). And yet I am making it through, I am still here. We can make it through things we never thought we could.
Weight gain December 2021 to July 2022 = up 32.6 pounds.
Sounds cliché, but never give up—never surrender completely to what life is throwing at you—fight your way back. It may take a while (almost 2 years) but you can get there.
Weight loss August 2023 to today, October 31, 2023 = down 35.4 pounds.
On August 5, 2023, I had an accident on my electric scooter going about 32 kilometers per hour. That is the speed limit on my electric bike’s motor.
Picture taken minutes after the accident. Some motorcyclists stopped to help me, which was amazing; I don’t know what I would have done without their help. And my sister was just a phone call away and came and took me to the hospital. My scooter was fine, I broke its fall.
I wasn’t going as fast as a car or motorbike would have been going, but I was just wearing shorts and a tank top on a hot afternoon, (36 degrees Celsius, note to self, dress better when cycling at speed, electric or otherwise, despite hot weather). Even though the maximum the odometer reads is 32 kilometers per hour, I think my bike goes a bit faster than that, especially when I am going down a hill, even a small one. Regardless of my actual clocked speed, I was going as fast as the bike would allow at the time, heading home from town, and the front tire popped on the rough pavement, (mostly because I had a cracked valve steam, another note to self, from now on always inspect values and tire pressure before leaving the house).
The instant flat made the front tire wobble (motorcyclists call it a Death Wobble) and I went down on my left side, taking off a lot of skin in multiple areas and dislocating my shoulder. Despite going down on the left, I still scratched parts of my right side, most especially my right palm, which I must have put on the ground to try and stop myself, (last note to self, no matter how hot it is, always wear gloves on a bike). There were also scratches on my belt buckle and on my phone case, which was located on my right hip. I cannot even fathom how my right side got that close to the ground to scratch my phone case when it was my left side that was breaking the fall. It’s all a blur in my memory, it happened so fast. I also scratched the brim of my motorcycle helmet. That means my face got so close to the ground that my brim was scored, yet my face had not a mark on it.
It’s the writer in me that wants to put down so many details.
August 5: And show the details too, the writer in me also believes a picture is worth a thousand words.
Having a close call like that, combined with getting more injured than I have ever been before in my life, has definitely got me thinking about a lot of different things in new ways. Nothing like a total spiritual awakening, or anything that dramatic, but none the less, my accident disrupted everything in my life and changed many of the ways I look at things.
For one thing, all I hope for (for my family and friends) is a bit more time. More time to appreciate the lives we have. Despite regularly making a list of all the things for which I am grateful, I had been in the habit of always worrying about the future. Because you can work towards future goals, but not really control the future, (a sudden flat front tire was my proof), that worry just decreased the enjoyment in life I would feel on any given day. It was hard to go about my daily tasks feeling blessed when all I was doing was worrying about health, finances, and future whatevers.
Since the accident I feel less worried about things in general. A bit of a “just give it to God” feeling each day. No point in worrying (at least not excessively) about things I cannot control. Lean in and appreciate life today, enjoy today. And like when I have written about other things in the past, I feel better writing down what happened. I feel less alone sharing my story.
August 13 then 14: Bruising and swelling was bad, but the road rash started to heal within two weeks. I have watched my body start to heal in amazing ways.
Another benefit to my accident, in addition to a shift in thinking to more appreciation and less worry, has been to my weight. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds. After such a huge disruption, I am eating less, and moving more, (once I could move more without pain).
I was very cognizant of the fact that when you have an accident, your whole normal routine changes, and I used that disruption to capitalize on some weight loss. Specifically, I kept track of what I was eating for the first time in two years, and because I could not exercise very much at all, I made sure I ate less so that I didn’t start gaining weight. Instead, I lost weight and I plan to keep going. Food is not enjoyable when I am overeating and watching the scale climb. And I get that food is the center of a lot of fun and activity, but it does not have to be. After my accident, I am enjoying life and all of the things I can do, activity wise, and I just stopped going to food for enjoyment. Food was just fuel, and getting out and doing things (albeit limping, and with my arm in a sling) was my enjoyment. I could not do very much immediately after the accident, so I was so grateful for everything I could still do, even just walking one kilometer to the mailbox and back. If I had been hurt worse, there would have been even more things I would not have been able to do, so everything little thing I could do felt amazing. It’s just not about the food anymore at all.
Lean into disruption. It does not have to be severe or tragic. Any disruption can be a good catalyst for positive change. Look for it, and then turn it into a superpower.
My word for this year is secure. I started out with planning to secure a new job, secure a retirement plan, and secure some more space in my home. Now I have decided I need to secure my peace (lean into the jobs I already have), secure my health (lean into better food and movement choices—excellent plan for retirement, if I do say so myself), and secure myself in the present with activity (and productivity) that makes me happy.
I have to start over. It’s been hard to not turn to food to soothe my emotions, because I am still job searching after one year. I never thought one year later I would still be looking for a job, (in my field, the field for which I went to grad school), the biggest barrier to which is my desire to work fully 100% remotely. It has been emotionally draining, because I cannot help but hope and imagine I will get each job I apply for. I have not had a “thick skin, don’t get your hopes up” attitude, so each disappointment hits me hard. Especially when I find out the job is not 100% remote, despite saying “remote” on the ad. This roller coaster up and down happens with each and every application, and it has been exhausting.
Maybe I have not yet got a full-time remote job for a reason. I still work for my husband’s company. I still work casually for a university instructing for their Faculty of Continuing Studies, (8 week courses at a time, about 7-10 hours a week). And I have been able to cover a few days a month at Canada Post because my schedule is still flexible, (which it would not be, if I got a new full-time remote job). I am grateful for all the jobs I currently have, and they have been keeping me pretty busy lately. I am currently teaching two online classes. I will have worked 8.5 days for Canada Post in the month of May. And I still have been answering the phone, booking jobs, and doing bookkeeping for my husband’s company.
Somewhere in all of that I need to start working again on my fifth novel, submit my query letter for my third novel to new publishers, weed the yard, eat better, and get some exercise, (like walking my cat in her new pet stroller, along with my dog).
Oh, and get serious about my diet, by starting to tracking my food and be intentional when it comes to getting some regular exercise.
Yeah, maybe I have not yet got a new full-time remote job for a reason.
Other things that have been weighing me down and sending me towards food to soothe is my dad. When I think about my dad at the care home with his dementia, trapped in his mind and nearly non-verbal, I get sad.
When I think about the fact that I have applied for 190 jobs and have yet to receive one from those 190, I get sad. (Even though I am just recently coming around to the idea that this is probably a good thing).
When I think of how hard it is to book jobs for my husband, (changes in the real estate market have slowed things down), I get sad.
When I think of how hard it has been while our grandson’s parents fight through their divorce, I get sad.
When I think of how uncertain my future is in general, I get sad. (But that’s just life, and I need to accept that).
And when I eat sugar and extra foods, for just a few minutes, I feel soothed and less sad.
Then I step on the scale, and I see it slowly climbing up and up, to a weight I haven’t been since 2011, and I get really sad.
So, I am starting over. I am going to stop overeating, because even though I am distracted for those few minutes while eating, in the end it hurts to be gaining weight.
And I am (finally!) looking on the bright side with respect to the job search. I am keeping very busy, even without getting a new job, so instead I will be grateful I have the jobs I already have. And this way I should have the time to do things that are also important, like start working again on my fifth novel, submit my query letters for my third novel to new publishers, weed the yard, make healthy food choices, and get more consistent exercise.
So, what have I been doing? Mostly feeling sorry for myself. Mostly.
I will admit, I was getting pretty sad about the job situation. Since last May, (when I knew my creative writing job might not last, as they were having trouble paying me), I have applied for 182 jobs. Of those 182, I’ve only been selected for 10 interviews. Of those 10, no one has offered me a job.
I really loved the creative writing job I got in 2021, which is why I hung on as long as I did, (in hindsight, longer than I should have). Nearly every day, I used to think how lucky I was to have gotten such a great job! I was being paid to write creative content! Obviously, it was as good a job as I thought it was because despite the pay issues in the end, it has proven nearly impossible to replace.
But I HAVE to just get over the fact that I lost that job. Life goes on, and feeling miserable is not helping anything.
I am trying to think more positively. Moping around the house thinking “oh woe is me” is not helping. I need to just move on, one day at a time, and focus on what I do have going on.
I’m still teaching 8 weeks at a time for Mount Royal University in Calgary. I have 9 students this class, and I had 10 students for the 8 weeks in the fall. I teach another 8 week class April-May if enough students sign up.
I work about one day a month for Canada Post as a back-up postal assistant, in my small community of only about 700 people. I really like walking over to the post office when the full-time postmaster needs a day off, greeting my neighbors, and helping out with the revolving door of parcels in and out. Canada Post really does deliver a big chunk of the online world these days, and when I get a call to come in, time spent over there goes by quickly.
I am looking into an online tutor job. I would be an independent contractor, so it’s not a full-time job with benefits, but it would be better than nothing, and I can set my own hours. And I can take a week off anytime I want. I can work 3 hours a day, or 7 hours a day, whatever I want. Even though I had wanted something full-time with benefits, maybe contracting will be fine afterall, because of the flexibility.
I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have to stop being sad every day that the job search has proven to be quite a challenge. But worrying and thinking badly about myself will not make my life better. Instead, taking care of myself and refocusing on my health will make me feel better.
I missed posting last week. I am still finding it hard to be in the process of looking for a new job (going on 8 months now, I wrote about it here). I keep trying to reframe it positively: I am open to finding my next great thing! It will happen when it is meant to be! I will be okay!
But I am exhausted with the constant application process—waiting—getting an interview here and there—waiting—tweaking my resume and changing my cover letter over and over—waiting—169 applications now and still counting.
I have set a goal of getting rid of some clutter. The inverse of getting rid of something is what it might create. Getting rid of clutter will create space. What helps me purge clutter, however, is limiting the space I allow myself to store clutter in the first place. Then the space I will create is not because I want to fill it back up again, it is so I will have something new: just space.
I need to create an artificial limit of sorts. The problem with my clutter is that I am fairly organized, so my clutter is all neatly put away. Therefore, if I want to reduce useless items in my home that are not being used, I need to create a limit on the space I am willing to use, so that I will be forced to purge to fit within the new limit I create. Instead of a spending budget that limits spending, I need a “space” budget to limit what I keep. Because everything fits in the space I have right now, I need to focus on space I can create, (and not let my husband fill back up again. He is all about filling. Fill the pantry, fill the freezer, etc. I don’t want to fill, I want to un-fill).
I didn’t blog last week but that does not mean I fell face first into all the food at Christmastime. Other than a little issue with too much rum sauce, (butter, sugar, whipping cream, oh my), I ate well most of the time, not too much overeating, and I arrived this week only 1 pound more than before Christmas.
A good start to the new year 2023.
Which is something I really need after surviving 2022.
I don’t always blog about personal things that are going on, but the truth is I am currently looking for work, and have been for almost 7 months now, and it is stressing me out. And my EI is running out soon.
I have a casual job, where I teach 8-week-long online courses, a few times throughout the year, but it only amounts to a few hours a week. Once I initially wrote all the curriculum, (and that was a lot of hours of work for 4 weeks straight, but then it was done), I now just teach them over and over again, with a few adjustments here and there. I love the work, but I would need to teach at least 20 courses like that (instead of 4) per year to even consider it a part-time job, let alone a full-time job.
In 2018, I started grad school and for 3 and a half years I had this new long-term goal of getting my master’s degree to work towards. Also in 2018, because we knew we were going to have to move our modular home from where it was, we bought a piece of land 2 hours from the city and worked for the next 3 and a half years to get the land ready for the big move. Working, getting permits and work done on the land, and going to grad school, it was a very busy and stressful 3 and a half years. Before I finished school at the end of 2021, I got a full-time professional writing job, and that should have meant I didn’t have to stress anymore. I was on cloud nine. I had my master’s degree and now I was working as a full-time writer.
But 2022 had other plans for me.
My new professional writing job was for a start-up company, who, during the first 5 months of work, were late with depositing my pay on many occasions. Then starting in March and April of 2022, they missed entire paycheques, only paying once each of those months instead of bi-weekly. April was also when we moved our home, and we lived in a 5th wheel trailer for 7 weeks while the drywall was repaired, flooring was replaced, and the home was hooked up to all its services. At this same time my dad’s dementia became psychotic, and during an episode, he killed the family dog thinking it was a threat, (he had never, ever been violent before in his life). He gave my mother a black eye when she wrestled a hammer out of his hand. The RCMP took him away and he was hospitalized, and I wrote about it here. Writing really helps me.
By June, my dad was hospitalized permanently, and I knew I had a serious problem with my employer. They had not paid me since April. They laid me off on July 8 without ever having caught up my outstanding payroll arrears.
So, 2022 was a difficult year. I am still looking for a full-time job, and my EI will be running out in February. I suppose it is no wonder I gained 20 pounds last year. I should be happy it was only 20 pounds.
It helped that I started blogging weekly and posting them on Chris and Dawn’s Facebook page. As I said, writing really helps me. Writing about my health and my desire to lose weight keeps me accountable to myself and keeps me focusing on my health in spite of everything else that was/is going wrong in my life.
I hope 2023 has some good things in store for me, I know I will be working hard to make good things happen.
Years ago, I read about an interesting observation. Apparently, in a book about good sleep habits for your baby, it was illustrated that a well rested baby will go to sleep easier than a baby who is very tired, (which leads to an unhappy and fussy baby, and who then subsequently has trouble going to sleep).
My initial reaction was to think, won’t a tired baby go to sleep faster than a baby who is not tired? Apparently, the answer is no. In a lot of cases: sleep begets more sleep.
The same is true of so many things. The more I exercise, the more I want to exercise. The more I eat healthier choices, the more I want to continue to eat better. Good habits beget more good habits.
If I am honest, the better I sleep, the easier it is to go to sleep. When I get very tired, I can get wired, and then I don’t fall asleep as fast, my quality of sleep is crap, and then I feel like crap the whole next day. Good sleep begets more good sleep.
Okay, maybe I just wanted to use the word “beget” a whole bunch of times.
Last week I made better choices for myself. Less grains, (for me, grain free is pain free, but it can be hard to be 100% free as it eliminates so many food choices), and instead I ate more fruit and protein. I have shaved off 3 pounds, which is a huge win these days! And my desire to eat dessert instead of main course has dropped considerably.
I hope everyone navigates their holiday season in a way that makes them feel hopeful they can reach goals that may be set for the new year. I feel pretty lucky to say I actually feel as though I have positive head start for myself on obtaining my goals.
I have succeeded, and then I have had to start again many times. The trick is to never stop starting, so that I am always moving forward, which is always better than standing still. (Even if it feels like, as the U2 song lyrics say, you are running to stand still).
I worked that checklist of mine 4 out of 7 days last week and I am going to call it a win. If this is the beginning (again) then that means I am already ahead of the game by starting last week with some new daily habits, like tracking my food to see what happening there (instead of just mindlessly eating whatever and whenever).
The Bio Joy Diet 