To Set a Goal

My fridge before my Father’s day get together June 15.

Setting unrealistic goals has been a problem for me in the past. For example, unrealistic short-term goals like I must lose 10 pounds in two weeks, or I must lose 20 pounds in a month. Or an unrealistic ultimate goal weight somewhere south of 20 on the BMI scale, (calculated with height in mind). I’m 5’6”. My number on the scale is going to be different than someone who is 5’10” or 5’2”, but even I know (now) a BMI of less than 20 is far too thin for me.

However, I believe in the importance of visualization, so I need to have a goal in mind for that.

I just went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and I had my hand around the package of cheddar cheese before a voice said, “Wait a minute, didn’t you just set goals?” I immediately put the cheese back. Kiera = 1, cheese = 0.

This morning, I visualized two goals, one short term, one long term. Competitive athletes do visualizations before competing because research shows it is incredibly powerful to live out an experience in the mind. In addition to visualizing myself in a good place with these goals having been met, I tried a new technique. Beside the good place I had visualized, I visualized my fears, separated by a wall with a door. I opened the door and walked through to that other side and visualized myself living through my worst-case scenario. Then I asked that version of myself, the one that had experienced the worst, if she had any advice for me. She told me to get out of there immediately, close the door, and don’t open it again.

That is powerful advice. I can choose the good side, close the door to the other, and no one is going to come along and push me back through it. Even though I cannot control when life throws me a curve ball, leaving that door closed is entirely within my control.

On the other side of the door, the good side, I visualized losing 10 pounds this summer, sometime in August, ending up at a weight just less than the Mother’s Day weight I’ve been obsessing about, 167.8 pounds. And then I visualized being 145.8 pounds by the end of the year, as that was what the scale said that morning in February 2017 when I boarded a plane for a week-long vacation in Hawaii, and I love those vacation pictures. This is how I’m going to kick start this journey in a significant way. Eat less, move more, sure, that is a big part of it. But really, I’m setting aside the fear that I’m going to end up on the other side of that door. That fear is based in my recent past failures. I’m looking forward instead, and I can see myself doing it, staying firmly on the good side of the door. I could see it so vividly, I put down the cheese.

And the good news is that momentum carried my through the weekend, and I am now 172.2 pounds.

How Do I Surrender?

DiveCliff

Last Wednesday night found me ‘white knuckling’ it. It was the Sesame Snaps calling me, because they are gluten free. I’m a Celiac and being forced by an autoimmune disease to be gluten free has helped me lose weight at times. Instead of carving off my own piece of cake while I serve my family some, I cannot eat it because it’s not gluten free. Ice Cream was on sale last week at Safeway, and so I bought three cartons of it. Do I want to taste the new flavor, Blueberry Cheesecake? Yes, but I don’t, because it’s not gluten free. All those tastes, licks, and bites that used to derail my dieting efforts are just not an option since late in 2011 when I was diagnosed Celiac.

Despite not having much in the house to binge on, there is always something gluten free if I root hard enough in my cupboards. Lately, its been the Sesame Snaps. Costco (damn them) sells cartons with 36 four wafer packets that my husband likes in his lunch. I like the number 12, so 3 packets of four equals 12 which equals 540 calories. That is an awful lot of calories, and the horrible truth is, after 12 wafers, I’m still not satisfied.

Because it’s not really the food I need. I’m trying to fill something else. I know this. I’ve got my iPad out, I don’t want to look at Facebook anymore, I don’t feel like reading a book, I don’t feel like watching an episode of whatever. I think I want to eat something sweet, but what I really need to do is find something that fills me with joy. But how do I find that on a Wednesday evening knowing all that’s left is go to bed and wake up to another work day, just like every other work day? Wash, rinse, repeat. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Many diet plans focus on the “what.” What to do: eat less, move more. Or only eat only these certain foods. Every successful diet book out these has pages and pages in the back of what to eat, what meals to plan with sample menus, what to cook with corresponding recipes. I think that is a great way to sell books. But it still does not tell me how I am going to do it. Some advice is to just make the decision to start the diet, January 1st, Monday morning, today, doesn’t matter. Just do it now. Then comes the psychology. If you really wanted to do it, you would have done it, what’s holding you back? Then comes the physiology. You’re addicted to sugar, your metabolism is damaged, your hormones are affecting your satiety signals. Those can absolutely be valid contributing factors, but none of them get me to the, “How do I get consistent enough to get this weight off, and keep it off, despite all the contributing factors?”

This Bio Joy diet is about finding the “How.” How do I surrender to all the conflicts (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual), and just get busy losing weight and keeping it off? How do I decide to surrender to whatever eating plan I choose, the one that gets me and then keeps me at the weight I desire to be at, the one which is probably the one I’ve used before that I know I can sustain, if only I could figure out how to stay on it consistently?

My Bio Joy diet is about finding the how. How do I surrender? How? Maybe by finding the Bio Joy around me daily and substituting it for the other things I’m in the habit of turning to, like seeking food to comfort my stresses. We all have stress, up and down, every day. But what about today? That’s what I’m still working on, today, staying consistent, and even if it’s not easy to find Bio Joy today, I’m never going to stop searching.

The Problem With Looking Backwards

Dorothy age 11 Marjorie age 9

There is nothing wrong with doing a little reflecting on the past. We learn lessons from past mistakes and we can make better decision for the future. Unfortunately, although I long for my future, thinner self, I can easily get sucked into regretting anything and everything to do with my past behaviors and choices with respect to dieting.

Regret is a very unproductive place to be, I know this. But I started this diet three weeks ago, wanting to solve my issues with using excess food emotionally by replacing those behaviors instead with activities that bring me joy. Honestly, I hoped I’d be back in the 160’s by now, and getting close to the weight I was for my Mother’s Day picture. Instead, buckle your seat belts, this is going to be a bumpy ride. The result has been my typical up and down roller coaster journey on the scale, all on the up side this week.

And even though I know it’s not a good idea to go there, look backwards at Mother’s Day 7 weeks ago, I’m going to do it anyway. Mother’s Day I was 167.8 lbs. I acknowledged last week that I did too little in terms of getting this diet off the ground, and yet I continued to do too little this week also, using hip pain (although valid) as an excuse. There is a difference between a valid physical issue, like pain, and capitulating instead of finding a work around that still results in weight loss. This week, I gained back to where I started, plus some.

The worst part is regret; toxic, bitter, regret. There was popcorn again last night, and I regret it. There was a long day of work where I snacked all evening waiting for my husband to come home, and I regret it. There is a laundry list of bad decisions last week resulting in the regret of right here and now. Today I woke up with a well earned 177.2 pounds on the scale, nearly 10 pounds more than Mother’s Day, and the highest regained number I’ve seen in over 7 years.

What is it going to take to snap myself out of this backwards slide up the scale? And it is backwards, it’s all turned around. Going up the scale is a backslide, because I’m a proven dieter. I have lost weight successfully many time, only to gain it back. I do not know what it would feel like to be starting a diet for the very first time, with hope for the future in my heart, without the jaded wreckage of all my past regains tainting my optimistic outlook.

This blog is telling my new diet story, but I suppose I am going to be spending some time chronically my past diet stories. I was standing on a scale at Weight Watchers at the age of 14. My entire life feels like past diet stories, plus the current one I am always on. All the special events of my life (graduations, marriage, vacations) are tagged in my mind with a weight. Including Mother’s Day, as above.

Today is July 1, a holiday in Canada, and I am not going to spend it eating. Instead, it’s a beautiful sunny day, and we have a ride to a campsite in our Jeep to visit the kids and grandson who have been camping all weekend.