My mom gave me her typewriter and a typing book when I was about 12 years old, and ever since then I have loved putting my words-thoughts down on paper in the same typeface I saw every time I read a book. For me, typing is the only way to be a writer.
But this blog is about fighting to stay at a healthy weight and feel right-sized for what my definition of “right-sized” is, not about writing (or typing). And it is obviously not about good writing, hence ending the previous sentence with a preposition.
I am still making progress in the second part of this weight loss journey to my best health that I am on. I am not gaining excessively like I did when 10 pounds found its way onto my body in just a couple short weeks. I am holding steady, (I went down a bit, then back up a bit, to end up at pretty much the same place). And this month my goal is to once again hit 40 kms walked in September (like in May) which will certain be an improvement on last month’s 31 kms.
The super important part of this meme, in my opinion, is the “and I’m feeling good part.”
Yes, use the scale as a measure, but don’t let it mess with your head. I have let that silly scale (salty meal) derail my “feeling good” too many times to count, and I am not going to do it anymore. I am not going to throw the scale out the window, but I am going to be patient. I know that if I do exercise and eat healthy, smaller portions, I will lose weight eventually. As much as I would love to lose 24 pounds in 12 weeks, I would also be happy to not gain. And to lose even 10 pounds in the next 12 weeks (11 weeks now), would still be a huge win!
So, this week, I will not let the scale numbers derail me. They are just numbers.
“Self-love is not just about constantly giving yourself praise and telling yourself how awesome you are. It’s about loving the real you, the human you – the person who has feet of clay, who comes undone under criticism, who sometimes fails and disappoints others. It’s about making a commitment to yourself that you will stick by yourself – even if no one else does. That’s what I mean when I say you must love yourself as though your life depends on it, because quite simply, I know without a doubt that it does.”
— Anita Moorjani
This is it, no more excuse. I desire change and I am going to just do it. Move with purpose, choose the best foods for me that allow me to feel my best, versus foods that taste good but make me feel terrible later, (heart burn, sweaty at night while I try to sleep, cotton mouth, cravings for more in the morning, irregular in the bathroom). Sorry for the overshare on details, but this is the truth for me when I eat sugary processed foods, even those that are gluten free are still junk food using alternative grains (and all grains are now a problem for me, a fact which I have been ignoring). Ug, no more. I am starting a new 12 weeks soon, so here I go.
I have to apologize for calling him “Fat Thor,” that sounds like an insult, but I do not mean it to be. Simply, it is just a descriptor for the character played in Avengers: End Game.
After the events of Avengers: Infinity War, End Game picks up the story of Thor five years later. After all he has lost, (and of the many characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, he has arguably lost the most, not only family and friends, but most of all his people, his whole planet, his whole purpose, and that whole thing where he should have gone for the head), he is depressed and self medicating with junk food, beer, video games, and well, he’s gotten fat.
And there is nothing wrong with that. No shame here, it just is. Life gets in the way of healthy choices if we let it, at times. We get fat, we get thin, we get somewhere in between.
But Thor’s friends need his help, despite his recent slide into the pit. And even though they accept him for who he is now, and they understand he is struggling, they also then challenge him to do better. Later in the movie, he goes back in time and has a brief exchange with his mother. She sees the state he is in, recognizes he is from the future which has not been kind to him, and she says:
“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are.”
Thor even mentions this at the end of the film. He says its time to just be who he is.
Acceptance, yes, but also a challenge to try and do better.
At one point in the last 12 weeks, I was about three pounds down from where I started. Then the last three weeks have been really crappy for me, and I’ve put on a significant chuck of weight. And I hardly walked at all, just 31 kms in August, the least amount this whole year so far. I self medicated with sugar, junk food, binge watching series, and even a few pina coladas, (even though I rarely drink alcohol because it makes my stomach hurt), which brings me this morning to 10 pounds MORE than where I started 12 weeks ago. What the hell happened?? I was doing okay, I was staying basically the same weight, even though I wasn’t losing the weight I gained after we moved in the spring, (which was the first tough life event in a series of tough events I have faced this year, one of which I write about here). I had even increased the kilometers I was walking each month from 40, to 50, then to 60 kms in July. I blogged every week. What the heck just happened?
I woke up yesterday morning and I didn’t want to do anything, even though it was a warm sunny day and a holiday. I felt terrible, lamenting to myself that how I felt was the sum total of every bad decision I had made in my whole life, and it truly felt like my whole life was a lot of bad decisions. I hit the couch and for some reason I turned on Avengers: End Game. Then I soon realized, hey, I am fat Thor. And I need to forgive myself.
So, what Thor taught me yesterday was that I can turn things around right now, today. I can stop doing the wrong things and start, once again, to make better choices. If a superhero, an actual god, (fictious or not), can fall apart like Thor did, no wonder a mere mortal like me fell into the pit for a while. And although I have faced my own share of personal struggles in the last few months, I can challenge myself to do better, starting right now.
Even if this blog message is just for myself, I am glad to put it out there, and tell myself that I know I can do better. And even if it feels like a lot of bad choices have been made, it’s never too late to start making other choices.
I have struggled a lot with perfectionism. Even after I identified perfectionism as a pointless pursuit, because perfect does not exist, I still want to be “perfect.” I now accept I do not have to be perfect; I just have to be present. I will only be in trouble if I start to hide, once again, from the things that I need to be doing. This post today is me being present.
Last week sucked. Yesterday day sucked. Today = not as bad.
When I see another woman living her best life, I turn the judgment back onto myself. Why am I not living my best life? Why am I not confident? Why don’t I know how to express myself? Why do I feel stupid for posting anything? I hate my clothes. I hate myself.
Whoa. No wonder I am left with very little energy to lift myself up.
Something I realized last week is that I haven’t really set a goal other than the goal of not quitting. The goal of showing up each week. The goal of paying attention.
And those, in and of themselves, are still good goals.
But I also like the idea of a photo shoot as a goal. I just love getting great pictures. I did some photos in February, and it wouldn’t take much now to get back to that weight.
At least, some days I feel like “it wouldn’t take much” to get back there. Other days if feels like there is nothing left in me to get back there, and I will never get there.
So, I feel like this next 12 weeks will have been an excellent warm up. And I intend that the next 12 weeks after this will be even better. My life will have settled a bit after having moved in May, (which tilted me off course).
Moving forward, I will be primed to continue to focus on my health and trimming down in weight (getting back there) will be a bonus!
1. You’ve gained a few pounds and haven’t been able to lose them again (+/- 5 pounds)
This is one of the first danger signs. Most ‘dieters’ finally hit their “goal weight,” which is usually an exact number on the scale, and then they will realize maintenance involves daily fluctuations around that number. So then the newly christened ‘maintainer’ creates a “goal weight range” on the scale that they define to themselves that will still mean each day they are at “goal.”
The first sign that you are headed down the path to regain is that you first hit the upper range of your goal weight range, and then finally go over it. Sometimes it’s popcorn at the movies, or a big special dinner, or sometimes it’s difficult to avoid extra treat seasons like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter. Maybe the maintainer cuts the extras for a few days and loses the extra pounds. They breathe a sigh of relief and think disaster has been averted.
The problem really lies in averting that disaster once, or even a few times. When the world does NOT end and all their new favorite smaller size clothes still fit, it gets easier to keep allowing the numbers on the scale to go over the “goal weight range.”
Eventually, however, the numbers may go over and it’s not so easy to get them to come back down. Then you are in danger of staying at a higher number and thus having no leeway at all for the next slip.
2. You compromise and reset your goal weight range higher (+/- 10 pounds from original goal)
This is the second danger sign that you are headed down the path to regaining the weight you worked so hard to lose. You have fluctuated so often out of your goal weight range that you rationalize to yourself that you are happy being at that slightly higher number.
You tell yourself stuff like maybe you weren’t meant to be that thin. Maybe you were trying to keep your body at too low a weight to successfully maintain it for life, and that’s why you can’t get back to that weight. You tell yourself no, it’s not because of the extra snacking, no, it couldn’t be the snacking. And people have been calling you “skinny,” for crying out loud. You want to be healthy, not “skinny.” You reset your goal weight range to include the new weight you’ve found yourself stuck at, and you convince yourself that you are trying to preserve your positive outlook lest you get depressed about the numbers on the scale and start binging over your depression.
3. You start binging because you do not really believe the lies you’ve been telling yourself (+/- 15 pounds more than original goal)
If you have reset your goal weight range higher, some of your ‘skinny’ clothes are probably a little tight. As many times as you tell yourself everything is all okay in one or two above, your tighter skinny jeans tell you another story. Your body remembers when they were just a little bit looser, and let’s face it, you long to be back there. You’ve reset your goal weight range, but you still remember those heady days at “goal” and how it felt. Even if it’s just a few pounds, part of you ‘feels’ fatter not at that number, especially if some of your clothes are tighter.
On a particularly difficult day, your boss criticizes you, your friend says something snide (because let’s face it, she may just be dealing with her own life crap and didn’t filter well), and you just don’t have the mental resources anymore to keep saying no to the calorie dense foods your family indulges in occasionally. You forget all the months of self denial, and you eat too much. The next morning, you can’t zip up your skinny jeans, and you are in full fledged panic mode. You aren’t just worried about regaining weight someday, that day is here.
You do the math, you are now 15 pounds more than the lowest weight you saw on the scale, and you have no idea who the heck you are to have let this happen.
And there you have it. You may immediately go into diet mode, but the emotional damage is hard to overcome.
I’ve been there.
1. Forgive yourself.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been there 10 times or so in my adult life. The exact numbers on the scale change, but the pattern is the same. Forgive yourself the screw up and move on. Learn the pattern so you can do better next time.
2. Stop snacking and get the weight back off. Now.
Stop giving yourself permission to ‘slip.’ Remember your dedication getting the weight off before, and go back to that. Period. You are a “weight reduced individual” and always will be. You’ve probably over eaten for the very last time in your life, and you have to stop comparing yourself to what others eat. You will NEVER be able to overeat and not suffer ill effects. Think of it as a chronic condition. And don’t feel sorry for yourself. I will take the chronic condition of “weight reduced individual” over “diabetic” any day. And heck, it is also better than “obese.”
3. Rethink your clothes
Yes, you can have clothes that fit you like a glove, but also have a few things in your wardrobe to alternate to. When you are at war with your emotions about your weight, the last thing you need is not feel good about how you look. Even ‘skinny’ people have days they feel ‘fat’ from water retention. Make sure your wardrobe includes looser clothes you love that you feel skinny in even if the scale is up a bit. Feeling ‘skinny’ is the first step to making the choices in your food plan to get you there, or back there. Wear only those ‘skinny’ clothes until you get back to where you need to be on the scale. Once there, celebrate with the skinny jeans. Do NOT wear tight clothes and think that will be a deterrent. The only thing it will deter is your self esteem.
My fridge before my Father’s day get together June 15.
Setting unrealistic goals has been a problem for me in the past. For example, unrealistic short-term goals like I must lose 10 pounds in two weeks, or I must lose 20 pounds in a month. Or an unrealistic ultimate goal weight somewhere south of 20 on the BMI scale, (calculated with height in mind). I’m 5’6”. My number on the scale is going to be different than someone who is 5’10” or 5’2”, but even I know (now) a BMI of less than 20 is far too thin for me.
However, I believe in the importance of visualization, so I need to have a goal in mind for that.
I just went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and I had my hand around the package of cheddar cheese before a voice said, “Wait a minute, didn’t you just set goals?” I immediately put the cheese back. Kiera = 1, cheese = 0.
This morning, I visualized two goals, one short term, one long term. Competitive athletes do visualizations before competing because research shows it is incredibly powerful to live out an experience in the mind. In addition to visualizing myself in a good place with these goals having been met, I tried a new technique. Beside the good place I had visualized, I visualized my fears, separated by a wall with a door. I opened the door and walked through to that other side and visualized myself living through my worst-case scenario. Then I asked that version of myself, the one that had experienced the worst, if she had any advice for me. She told me to get out of there immediately, close the door, and don’t open it again.
That is powerful advice. I can choose the good side, close the door to the other, and no one is going to come along and push me back through it. Even though I cannot control when life throws me a curve ball, leaving that door closed is entirely within my control.
On the other side of the door, the good side, I visualized losing 10 pounds this summer, sometime in August, ending up at a weight just less than the Mother’s Day weight I’ve been obsessing about, 167.8 pounds. And then I visualized being 145.8 pounds by the end of the year, as that was what the scale said that morning in February 2017 when I boarded a plane for a week-long vacation in Hawaii, and I love those vacation pictures. This is how I’m going to kick start this journey in a significant way. Eat less, move more, sure, that is a big part of it. But really, I’m setting aside the fear that I’m going to end up on the other side of that door. That fear is based in my recent past failures. I’m looking forward instead, and I can see myself doing it, staying firmly on the good side of the door. I could see it so vividly, I put down the cheese.
And the good news is that momentum carried my through the weekend, and I am now 172.2 pounds.
Last Wednesday night found me ‘white knuckling’ it. It was the Sesame Snaps calling me, because they are gluten free. I’m a Celiac and being forced by an autoimmune disease to be gluten free has helped me lose weight at times. Instead of carving off my own piece of cake while I serve my family some, I cannot eat it because it’s not gluten free. Ice Cream was on sale last week at Safeway, and so I bought three cartons of it. Do I want to taste the new flavor, Blueberry Cheesecake? Yes, but I don’t, because it’s not gluten free. All those tastes, licks, and bites that used to derail my dieting efforts are just not an option since late in 2011 when I was diagnosed Celiac.
Despite not having much in the house to binge on, there is always something gluten free if I root hard enough in my cupboards. Lately, its been the Sesame Snaps. Costco (damn them) sells cartons with 36 four wafer packets that my husband likes in his lunch. I like the number 12, so 3 packets of four equals 12 which equals 540 calories. That is an awful lot of calories, and the horrible truth is, after 12 wafers, I’m still not satisfied.
Because it’s not really the food I need. I’m trying to fill something else. I know this. I’ve got my iPad out, I don’t want to look at Facebook anymore, I don’t feel like reading a book, I don’t feel like watching an episode of whatever. I think I want to eat something sweet, but what I really need to do is find something that fills me with joy. But how do I find that on a Wednesday evening knowing all that’s left is go to bed and wake up to another work day, just like every other work day? Wash, rinse, repeat. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Many diet plans focus on the “what.” What to do: eat less, move more. Or only eat only these certain foods. Every successful diet book out these has pages and pages in the back of what to eat, what meals to plan with sample menus, what to cook with corresponding recipes. I think that is a great way to sell books. But it still does not tell me how I am going to do it. Some advice is to just make the decision to start the diet, January 1st, Monday morning, today, doesn’t matter. Just do it now. Then comes the psychology. If you really wanted to do it, you would have done it, what’s holding you back? Then comes the physiology. You’re addicted to sugar, your metabolism is damaged, your hormones are affecting your satiety signals. Those can absolutely be valid contributing factors, but none of them get me to the, “How do I get consistent enough to get this weight off, and keep it off, despite all the contributing factors?”
This Bio Joy diet is about finding the “How.” How do I surrender to all the conflicts (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual), and just get busy losing weight and keeping it off? How do I decide to surrender to whatever eating plan I choose, the one that gets me and then keeps me at the weight I desire to be at, the one which is probably the one I’ve used before that I know I can sustain, if only I could figure out how to stay on it consistently?
My Bio Joy diet is about finding the how. How do I surrender? How? Maybe by finding the Bio Joy around me daily and substituting it for the other things I’m in the habit of turning to, like seeking food to comfort my stresses. We all have stress, up and down, every day. But what about today? That’s what I’m still working on, today, staying consistent, and even if it’s not easy to find Bio Joy today, I’m never going to stop searching.
The Bio Joy Diet 