The First Test – Homemade Beef Jerky is Sexy

Okay, it finally happened, my first test.

Last week the scale climbed up a little bit. It went up .3 of a pound, and then another .3 of a pound, then back down .3 of a pound. Then up .4 of a pound, then up .3 of a pound, then up .5 more. The second half of those gains were, in part, due to the fact that I had made homemade beef jerky which turned out to be one of those “sexy foods” I mentioned in this post. Each piece just tasted like more please, and it was hard not to keep going back to the fridge for one more little piece, 3 days in a row.

Then on Saturday, I did give myself a small sunburn in a small spot along my lower back. Note to self, wear a longer shirt when weeding. So, on Sunday, I had a sore spot on my lower back that was sun burnt, and I don’t know if that small amount of pain and discomfort contributed to what happened next, but technically a sunburn is a physical injury.

So, then last night happened. Everything had seemed reasonably fine that day, then we had roast beef for dinner which turned out perfectly. After finishing my plate, I know I did not feel hungry, but my appetite was revved up and I wanted to just keep eating. So, I had a second helping. And then the old thought patterns started up again. The “you’ve already gained this week even though you were good, so you might as well be bad, have some beef jerky.”

Net gain for the week = 3.3 pounds.

So, that’s why this was my first test in maintenance.

Can I handle seeing this small gain on the scale, and simply make choices this week that will get me back down to where I was a week ago? It certainly has me giving this whole last week some serious thought.

I read a blog over 10 years ago written by someone who had been involved in a Weight Watchers campaign. Through that, she had a taste of being a public figure for a brief point in time. She was sent for an official photoshoot for Weight Watchers International and her picture and success story were advertised in other countries. As a yo-yo dieter, I have certainly dealt many times in the past with regain, and so did this blogger. With the whirlwind of traveling for WW, she experienced a small regain. I must have read her story over ten years ago, and yet this line still sticks with me. She said, “Meanwhile I gained a couple extra pounds and the self hatred built up like cat piss in clumping litter.”

And this: “I never LEARNED how to be OK with gaining a couple pounds and getting it back off.”

If I gain a few pounds, even if I am within a maintenance range, which I still am, I find myself this morning wanting to get them back off again. As. Soon. As. Possible.

This is my first test, learning that gaining a few pounds is not the end of the world.

In the past I have catastrophized gaining a few pounds. I have allowed gaining a few pounds (which will happen from time to time) to then lead to gaining a few more, and a few more, and a few more, until I’m absolutely terrified that I am going to regain out of all my clothes and regain all my weight! I catastrophize those first few pounds.

So, this week, I want to make choices that will help get those few pounds back off, and that looks like no more beef jerky for me. I made this batch just way too sexy for me. I could just add some pepper next time. My husband will love it, and I won’t mind it, but pepper is not exactly my favorite flavor, so that should dial down the sexiness for me.

That is the thing I suspected about maintenance. For me, it will be saying no to sexy foods that rev me up like that. In the last 9 months, I have had a few times where I’ve eaten “sexy food.” Christmas, I ate a bit of “sexy food,” on two separate occasions, but I was able to just be calm about it the next day. We went on a little camping holiday in March, and I ate some “sexy food,” and again, I was reasonably calm about it the next day and just carried on tracking my calories.

But I recognize this is my first true test at maintenance, where I learn a new pattern of just remaining calm after a week of gains culminating in a number of bad choices, and learning to be okay (instead of self destructive) about it. I am going to be okay with a few pounds gained and will now simply get them back off.

Community

Truth! I have been amazed over the years how connecting online with other people (which is why I started a blog) who have similar struggles (or dreams or interests) can really help me connect with myself. Staying connected will be very important in my maintenance phase also.

(Still feels strange to say I am in “my maintenance phase.” Never before in my life have I “let” myself think I am “good enough,” and that I do not have to lose any more weight).

I am at Goal Weight, How I Did It, and Now What

April 20, 2024 = 129.4 lbs.

I have been dieting my whole life. I’m going to own it; this is partly because I have wanted to be dieting. It’s a distraction. It’s comforting to always have a problem I need to solve. One that has the illusion that it absolutely can be solved with just enough willpower, (versus all the problems of the world that feel unsolvable, like poverty, cancer, and hatred).

This YouTube video really explains it all here. Even though the title of this video is about Ozempic, it really says (in my opinion) some things that are bang on about why we (as a society) have so much trouble keeping the weight off. And these difficulties are especially evident among those of us dedicated dieters who have had many successful attempts, (born out of sheer willpower, tenacity, and our dedication to making the “right” choices), followed by making all the wrong choices that lead us back to weight gain.

“I would start by saying, you’re totally right, we live in an obesogenic environment. An obesogenic environment is an environment that primes you to be obese and it’s hard to be a healthy weight. Right. It’s hard to get healthy food. Healthy food is expensive and rare, whereas shitty food that makes you obese is cheap, abundant and constantly promoted to you.” – Johann Hari

Yeah, I just can’t eat those foods, the shitty ones that cause me to make all the bad choices.

That’s how I lost this weight. No medication, just good choices, no bad choices, pretty much zero slip-ups. It (overeating shitty foods) was just not what I wanted to do any more, after luckily surviving my crash that I wrote out here without breaking any bones. Using the power of that disruption, I just counted calories and kept track of them with the LoseIt app, and walked more outside with my dog. That is all.

It was right around mid March of 2024, when I reached what I decided was my goal weight, 130 pounds. I am 5’6”. I turned 53 years old in March, and I haven’t been this thin since I was 12 years old, shit you not!! (I was 5’6″ at 12 years old too, tall for my age, which made me feel “large” compared to my classmates and put dieting on my radar, but I also hit puberty at the same time and just stopped growing any taller).

Therefore, the maintenance phase of this, my most recent attempt to get off my excess weight, once and for all, is not even 6 weeks old. This is new territory for me. I have been very close to this territory before, but I have never managed to stay here for more than a few months.

So, what I have been feeling is that I have to completely avoid “sexy” food. “Sexy” or extremely delicious food for me, is fat, sugar, and salt combinations, as well as ultra processed items, even “health-food” processed items, that seem to drive, in me, over consumption. If the food is just too delicious, even in maintenance calorie quantities, (I still track every day with LoseIt, and may never be able to stop), that kind of food seems to light up the pleasure center of my brain, and it restarts the overeating, (and the resulting white knuckling to gain back control over my quantities). Not to say I don’t eat delicious foods, but they are usually quite natural foods, like potatoes and veggies roasted in olive oil, meat, and fruits with no added sugar, that kind of delicious food.

I already say no everyday to gluten, (since 2012, I found out I am Celiac), so that is no to gluten containing foods for the rest of my life.

I already say no everyday to all other grains, (since 2019, I realized I had become cross-reactive to all grains processed in the same way wheat is), so that is no to foods made with grains for the rest of my life.

So I will admit, it is very easy for me to say no to ALL fast foods, because I get very ill. I don’t even need to use any willpower at all!

But boy, oh boy, it is still super easy for me to gain weight in our current food culture and environment.

I can still eat all the meat, dairy, and fruit and veggies I want, so yes, I can still gain weight. Fast. Easily. Sugar (although it would give me night sweats) and chocolate = I can eat those as long as they are gluten and grain free. Nuts like cashews and pistachios = I can eat them by the handful. And cheese, omg, I love cheese. All kinds of cheese, hard, soft, sliced, melted. Fresh fruit with sugar and whipped cream…veggies and dip made with full fat sour cream…juicy fatty meats…mashed potato with butter…

And there are a ton of ultra processed gluten free grain free products, even with health claims on the bag, but tons of calories, (but also with yucky chemicals with names I can barely pronounce).

Not to mention, for me, the simple act of overeating any food can be emotional. I have overeaten for stress, or for comfort, or even for a feeling of self-care, (I worked hard and “deserve” this).

So yeah, I suspect maintenance will be a lot of “sexy” foods I can just never eat again. Ever.

Right now, I don’t even want those foods, so it just might be easier to never open that door and eat them again. Not even a small, measured out within my maintenance calories “treat.” I am not sure, but I suspect that may be what it takes…

We will see.

The Coals Keep Burning

Osoyoos, BC, March 18, 2024.

I read something interesting about finding your “fire” of motivation, (an upcoming special event, a trip, wearing leather motorcycle clothes for the first ride of the season, etc.), and that helps us achieve temporary goals with our health.

But fire eventually burns out.

Instead, you have to find your “why” each and every day, and it starts with reminding ourselves that we get to show up as our best selves for the “fire” if we keep the coals burning and never let them go out. No matter what 2024 holds in store for me, I will keep the coals burning each and every day.

Maintaining your weight can be hard as well, but I am glad my coals are still lit. I will work damn hard to keep them lit so that I am able to show up for my life the best me I can be.

I have updated the page My Story to include at the bottom where I am at exactly right now.

Sensitive

New Year’s, Obviously

Short hike at Frog Falls BC Rec Site on December 31.

In December, I went skating three times, and even though it was in an arena, and not on a frozen lake, gliding down the ice brought back all the wonderful memories I have of skating with my dad.

I had originally set a goal for December of hitting 100 kms walked with my dog. I came very close. I did exceed the amount of kilometers I walked for all of last year. And I did exceed the amount of kilometers I walked all of last month. I am excited to start the new year continuing to prioritize my health.

A week before Christmas, December 18, my mom ended up in the hospital. Each day we thought maybe she could maybe go home, and each day the news came, more tests, so one more night in hospital. Finally, Saturday, December 23, she got to go home. I keep thinking how lucky we were that it was not more serious, and bonus, she got home in time for Christmas. But it was serious enough to keep her in the hospital for 6 days, 5 nights, and she is experiencing intense post-hospital fatigue.

Having a loved one who was sick is just one more reminder (if I needed it) to prioritize my health at any age. There are no guarantees in life, but knowing that I am working on moving my body more, spending less time on the couch, and making better food choices, so that I do not have a bad reaction, (although too much stuffing-gluten free grains-with Christmas Eve dinner gave me a bad eczema reaction Christmas Day, ug), does make me feel better. It is worth putting in the effort. As long as I am working at doing better, that is all any of us can do.

Unimpeded

My trip to Victoria November 10 to 13, went very well. I got my mom unpacked in her new home. It was a lot of work, but super satisfying to go from boxes everywhere, to a home with everything put away.

And I got to meet the new puppy Rory, and spend time with my family.

Then my dad’s COPD medication stopped working effectively, and before long he didn’t even have enough breath to inhale the steroids needed to control the swelling in his airways. In a blink of an eye (about 8 days) he was gone, November 23.

My dad was a father, grandfather, and great-grandfather, and even though he was 80 years old and in complex care with dementia, his death still came as a shock to me. Even when you think you know what is coming because the dementia already took the person you knew and loved, and in a way you have pre-grieved their loss, you still do not know what it will feel like when the day comes, and they are truly gone. And every day after that, you now live in a world where your dad is gone. It makes me sad everyday. I am focusing on the most wonderful memories I have, most especially the times we went skating. I plan to go skating again very soon.

Not surprisingly, my dad’s death also makes me think of how important it is to continue to prioritize my health so I can show up in the way that I want for my family. Being healthy and active means I can enjoy activities like swimming, which I did with my niece in Victoria. And I also went swimming with my grandson just a few days ago in Kelowna. I am happy I am able to comfortably do activities like walk my dog every day that I can, swim with my niece and grandson, and go skating to remember my dad. All my best memories are activities like these, and I want to be able to keep doing them, and that means staying active, so that I am unimpeded when it comes to enjoying the life I want to live.

Disruption is Good (or at Least Inevitable)

Since my electric scooter accident in August, that close brush with death, (and an even closer brush with the hot asphalt), has helped force me to appreciate my body and my health, as I worked to heal physically from the accident and mentally from the last 2 years. And this month (Oct 2023), I finally walked over 62 kms, the most I have walked in a month, in the last 15 months, (15 months ago I walked 61 kms in a month). But the last time I did more than that was 18 months ago, when I did 63 kms in a month. Just so you know, in the last 10 years, half the time I have been in triple digits, over 100 kms in a month, sometimes over 200, so 60 plus is slowly but surely working my way back there. 😊

In December 2021, I had hit a low with my weight, just a few points shy of *healthy* according to the BMI. I was working 2 great new jobs online, and I was about to receive my MFA.

But then the serious disruptions to my life started.

My stepson’s marriage ended, which meant he moved in with us for 3 months, and we started navigating grandparenting between two separate single parents, a huge change and sometimes challenge.

Then in 2022, my dad’s illness (FTD, Frontotemporal Dementia) reached a crisis resulting in the tragic death of the family dog (April 2022), my mom injured but alive, and he was put in full-time care. My husband and I moved from Kelowna to Malakwa (May 2022, because we could not find/afford land in Kelowna for our manufactured home). As much as I love Malakwa and feel certain it is our future home for the rest of our lives, my husband has to commute to Kelowna for his job, and that has been hard on his business.

Then I lost my full-time online job (June 2022), had significant wage arrears, and had to start a more than year-long process with Employment Standards (judgment finally granted in my favour Sep 2023). But after more than a year of job searching and nearly 200 rejections later, I have been unable to replace my full-time online job, (I only have casual work online, for which I am still very grateful). Then my stepson decided we were taking the “other side” in his divorce, and he needed to stop seeing us (Sep 2022). The loss of that relationship has been tremendously painful, but thankfully we still have visits with our grandchild through our former daughter-in-law. My brother moved my dad from care in Terrace to complex care in Victoria (Nov 2022), a stressful trip for everyone, before and after. I flew to Terrace and packed up my mom’s house (June 2023) after she sold the house that she and my dad had lived in for almost 3 decades.

And now next week I fly to Victoria to unpack her in her new house, (to get it ready for her new puppy, which may finally heal her heart after the loss of her other dog). And yet I am making it through, I am still here. We can make it through things we never thought we could.

Weight gain December 2021 to July 2022 = up 32.6 pounds.

Sounds cliché, but never give up—never surrender completely to what life is throwing at you—fight your way back. It may take a while (almost 2 years) but you can get there.

Weight loss August 2023 to today, October 31, 2023 = down 35.4 pounds.

Here’s to an even better November and beyond. 😊

The Power of Disruption

Warning: graphic pictures to follow.

On August 5, 2023, I had an accident on my electric scooter going about 32 kilometers per hour. That is the speed limit on my electric bike’s motor.

Picture taken minutes after the accident. Some motorcyclists stopped to help me, which was amazing; I don’t know what I would have done without their help. And my sister was just a phone call away and came and took me to the hospital. My scooter was fine, I broke its fall.

I wasn’t going as fast as a car or motorbike would have been going, but I was just wearing shorts and a tank top on a hot afternoon, (36 degrees Celsius, note to self, dress better when cycling at speed, electric or otherwise, despite hot weather). Even though the maximum the odometer reads is 32 kilometers per hour, I think my bike goes a bit faster than that, especially when I am going down a hill, even a small one. Regardless of my actual clocked speed, I was going as fast as the bike would allow at the time, heading home from town, and the front tire popped on the rough pavement, (mostly because I had a cracked valve steam, another note to self, from now on always inspect values and tire pressure before leaving the house).

The instant flat made the front tire wobble (motorcyclists call it a Death Wobble) and I went down on my left side, taking off a lot of skin in multiple areas and dislocating my shoulder. Despite going down on the left, I still scratched parts of my right side, most especially my right palm, which I must have put on the ground to try and stop myself, (last note to self, no matter how hot it is, always wear gloves on a bike). There were also scratches on my belt buckle and on my phone case, which was located on my right hip. I cannot even fathom how my right side got that close to the ground to scratch my phone case when it was my left side that was breaking the fall. It’s all a blur in my memory, it happened so fast. I also scratched the brim of my motorcycle helmet. That means my face got so close to the ground that my brim was scored, yet my face had not a mark on it.

It’s the writer in me that wants to put down so many details.

August 5: And show the details too, the writer in me also believes a picture is worth a thousand words.

Having a close call like that, combined with getting more injured than I have ever been before in my life, has definitely got me thinking about a lot of different things in new ways. Nothing like a total spiritual awakening, or anything that dramatic, but none the less, my accident disrupted everything in my life and changed many of the ways I look at things.

For one thing, all I hope for (for my family and friends) is a bit more time. More time to appreciate the lives we have. Despite regularly making a list of all the things for which I am grateful, I had been in the habit of always worrying about the future. Because you can work towards future goals, but not really control the future, (a sudden flat front tire was my proof), that worry just decreased the enjoyment in life I would feel on any given day. It was hard to go about my daily tasks feeling blessed when all I was doing was worrying about health, finances, and future whatevers.

Since the accident I feel less worried about things in general. A bit of a “just give it to God” feeling each day. No point in worrying (at least not excessively) about things I cannot control. Lean in and appreciate life today, enjoy today. And like when I have written about other things in the past, I feel better writing down what happened. I feel less alone sharing my story.

August 13 then 14: Bruising and swelling was bad, but the road rash started to heal within two weeks. I have watched my body start to heal in amazing ways.

Another benefit to my accident, in addition to a shift in thinking to more appreciation and less worry, has been to my weight. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds. After such a huge disruption, I am eating less, and moving more, (once I could move more without pain).

I was very cognizant of the fact that when you have an accident, your whole normal routine changes, and I used that disruption to capitalize on some weight loss. Specifically, I kept track of what I was eating for the first time in two years, and because I could not exercise very much at all, I made sure I ate less so that I didn’t start gaining weight. Instead, I lost weight and I plan to keep going. Food is not enjoyable when I am overeating and watching the scale climb. And I get that food is the center of a lot of fun and activity, but it does not have to be. After my accident, I am enjoying life and all of the things I can do, activity wise, and I just stopped going to food for enjoyment. Food was just fuel, and getting out and doing things (albeit limping, and with my arm in a sling) was my enjoyment. I could not do very much immediately after the accident, so I was so grateful for everything I could still do, even just walking one kilometer to the mailbox and back. If I had been hurt worse, there would have been even more things I would not have been able to do, so everything little thing I could do felt amazing. It’s just not about the food anymore at all.

Lean into disruption. It does not have to be severe or tragic. Any disruption can be a good catalyst for positive change. Look for it, and then turn it into a superpower.

Securing a New Start

My word for this year is secure. I started out with planning to secure a new job, secure a retirement plan, and secure some more space in my home. Now I have decided I need to secure my peace (lean into the jobs I already have), secure my health (lean into better food and movement choices—excellent plan for retirement, if I do say so myself), and secure myself in the present with activity (and productivity) that makes me happy.

I have to start over. It’s been hard to not turn to food to soothe my emotions, because I am still job searching after one year. I never thought one year later I would still be looking for a job, (in my field, the field for which I went to grad school), the biggest barrier to which is my desire to work fully 100% remotely. It has been emotionally draining, because I cannot help but hope and imagine I will get each job I apply for. I have not had a “thick skin, don’t get your hopes up” attitude, so each disappointment hits me hard. Especially when I find out the job is not 100% remote, despite saying “remote” on the ad. This roller coaster up and down happens with each and every application, and it has been exhausting.

Maybe I have not yet got a full-time remote job for a reason. I still work for my husband’s company. I still work casually for a university instructing for their Faculty of Continuing Studies, (8 week courses at a time, about 7-10 hours a week). And I have been able to cover a few days a month at Canada Post because my schedule is still flexible, (which it would not be, if I got a new full-time remote job). I am grateful for all the jobs I currently have, and they have been keeping me pretty busy lately. I am currently teaching two online classes. I will have worked 8.5 days for Canada Post in the month of May. And I still have been answering the phone, booking jobs, and doing bookkeeping for my husband’s company.

Somewhere in all of that I need to start working again on my fifth novel, submit my query letter for my third novel to new publishers, weed the yard, eat better, and get some exercise, (like walking my cat in her new pet stroller, along with my dog).

Oh, and get serious about my diet, by starting to tracking my food and be intentional when it comes to getting some regular exercise.

Yeah, maybe I have not yet got a new full-time remote job for a reason.

Other things that have been weighing me down and sending me towards food to soothe is my dad. When I think about my dad at the care home with his dementia, trapped in his mind and nearly non-verbal, I get sad.

When I think about the fact that I have applied for 190 jobs and have yet to receive one from those 190, I get sad. (Even though I am just recently coming around to the idea that this is probably a good thing).

When I think of how hard it is to book jobs for my husband, (changes in the real estate market have slowed things down), I get sad.

When I think of how hard it has been while our grandson’s parents fight through their divorce, I get sad.

When I think of how uncertain my future is in general, I get sad. (But that’s just life, and I need to accept that).

And when I eat sugar and extra foods, for just a few minutes, I feel soothed and less sad.

Then I step on the scale, and I see it slowly climbing up and up, to a weight I haven’t been since 2011, and I get really sad.

So, I am starting over. I am going to stop overeating, because even though I am distracted for those few minutes while eating, in the end it hurts to be gaining weight.

And I am (finally!) looking on the bright side with respect to the job search. I am keeping very busy, even without getting a new job, so instead I will be grateful I have the jobs I already have. And this way I should have the time to do things that are also important, like start working again on my fifth novel, submit my query letters for my third novel to new publishers, weed the yard, make healthy food choices, and get more consistent exercise.