5 weeks left to go…on what?  What do I want to call this recent journey that appears to be going nowhere?

Well, my journey is NOT going nowhere.  It only feels like it is going nowhere this week.  I am still here.  I’m still committed to never giving up on wanting the best health for myself possible.  And the best health is obtained by making a steady effort, even when I fail at times.

I am still here.

6 weeks ago, I certainly thought what a good idea this was, “12 weeks to a new me!”  Oh, what I could accomplish in 12 weeks if I really set my mind to it.  Maybe I could even lose 20 pounds, or something really impressive like that.

It turns out, what is really impressive is that I’m still trying 6 weeks later.  I’m not 20 pounds down, or even half that.  Actually, I’m not really down at all.

I’ve fluctuated, up and down, but the important thing is I keep trying. 

That is success.

And, in May I walked about 40K, June was about 50K, and for July, I managed just over 60K.

That is awesome progress!

I have 6 more weeks to go to further increase my success, (and hopefully decreasing a little weight too).

At times, this can be so true.

Last week, I have been really focusing on the “Changes” part. 

Good or bad, change is hard. Even after we start to change, or have made a change, we must be allowed to grieve to loss of the old, process the new, and recharge.  Even when we are on the other side of that big change, even if everyone keeps tell you that “you must be so happy now,” you should be allowed to still grieve, because no matter how good the change, it will still have been hard, (caterpillar to butterfly). 

This was a better week.  Not better in terms of stress and the “valid” reasons I had last week for not putting in my best effort.  But it was better in terms of how I dealt with that stress. 

Everything is a stimulus and then a reaction.  I cannot choose the stimulus.  But I can choose my reaction.  Why do we develop such bad habits in the first place?

I had a thought about when we see something, a consumer product, for example, or when we see someone else’s who possess a quality and “looks” a certain way to us that elicits in us a certain feeling, then what happens to many of us is that we then desire to obtain that feeling.

We are literally trying to buy a feeling.

But buying an inanimate object can never buy us a feeling.  Feelings cannot be bought. 

The best thing is to create our own feelings inside ourselves, not from outside with something external, fleeting, or purchased.

For me, the interesting thing is knowing that no number on the scale will give me the feeling I want.  No size on a pair of jeans.  Only I can create the feeling of health, the feeling of accomplishment, and the feeling of love because I am taking care of my body instead of hurting it, (when I do NOT treat my stomach like a garage can), by making a choice to feel the way I choose to feel, despite externals, not because of them.

I wish there was more progress to report.  I wish I was starting to feel some real momentum now. However, this was a week where I went in the wrong direction.  Yes, yes, I have valid reasons for why my week tilted off course, which could now be considered excuses.  When is a reason just an excuse?  Maybe when you keep doing it. 

So, I had (past tense) some reasons why I did not exercise consistently last week and why I did not make an effort to eat healthy, but today (present tense) is a new day and it is time to turn things around, and exercise today and make healthy food choices.

So, this week I put in more effort than last week.  I tracked my calories more often and went for a walk almost every day with my dog.  I tracked my kilometers walked for the month of June and because of my recent efforts, I walked more in June than in May.  Baby steps, but its progress. 

I sometimes I forget to encourage myself, and give credit where credit is due.  I’ve been tracking my walks with the RunKeeper app since 2012.  One time I walked 255 kms in one month (2015).  So, based on that, I find it hard to give myself kudos for just going 50 kms in June instead of 40 kms in May.  But I should give myself kudos.  Maybe I haven’t lost many pounds in weight, (but I’ve lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks, which according to the picture, is still something to feel good about), but the biggest accomplishment so far is I have re-established my routines after moving, which was a real disruption.  When you go through a big life changing event, you need to give yourself time.  But then you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get going with whatever matters to you.  😊 

Recently, I really unpacked what underpins my motivation to go on “yet another diet.”  Whenever I have felt competitive towards anyone else who starts a diet, it is because I realize that I have equated losing weight with being worthy of being loved.  And if someone else loses weight and I don’t, they are going to get the love and I won’t.

I really realize that I have connected losing weight with being loved and being worthy.  This is probably because I went on my first diet at an early age thinking that I was seeking approval through losing weight, and never really doing very well at it.  I mean, of all the things I do, losing weight is something I don’t do very well.  I manage to lose, I do it, but I don’t do it well, because maintaining weight loss is so difficult and I regain.  I have been yo-yo dieting since that first diet when I was 12 years old.  Therefore regain, for me, is particularly damaging to my self esteem because I have created this connection between losing weight and being worthy of love and approval.  Gaining weight, for me, is the opposite of being worthy, the opposite of being approved or accepted, and it devastates me even when my logical brain is telling me one has nothing to do with the other.

I have equated losing weight with being worthy of being loved and with gaining others’ approval, and I’ll admit I have been a validation approval seeking person. I seek the validation and approval of others because I haven’t validated and approved myself very well, and I need to work on that. There are a number of events coming up which are occasions where these issues come up for me.  And usually losing a couple pounds before an occasion like that is way better than gaining pounds before these occasions. But once again, I have tied the two together, and that is a problem.

It is really easy to gain weight. Too easy. Our current food environment, (processed food, fast food), has made it easy to make certain choices, and those choices that can be as simple as one nice restaurant meal, (the large portions, all that sodium), that result in quick and easy weight gain. And I’ve reached an age where it is easy to gain weight. Especially if I don’t exercise. When I gain weight I feel these intense devastating feelings, which just leads to more bad choices to soothe.

String a few weeks of bad choices together, and I can easily gain ten pounds. Three months to lose them, and only three weeks to gain them back.

Yes, weight loss is not easy. Keeping it off long term even harder. Regular exercise is very important for me because a certain level of fitness allows me to enjoy the things I want to do, like walk my dog, play with my grandchild, walk around a museum or outdoor venue for three hours without being in pain. But I cannot outrun my fork.  And now that I have unpacked this connection I have between losing weight and being worthy of love and approval, and I have to convince myself I am worthy now.  Yes, a bit flawed, but worthy, nonetheless.

The most important step I took this week was to move a little more.  I tracked calories for a few days but wasn’t perfect.  I still struggled, but just the fact that I was paying attention was a good start.

Here’s to an even better week to come.