Update November 2025:
Where I am at now, in this post Bikini Pictures: No Filter.
Update April 11, 2024:
My story is so long, that the title of this page does not really do it justice. I have weight cycled, or yo-yo dieted since I was 12, (a picture of me from age 12 is included in this post). Since first writing this “My Story” page in 2019, (which you can read if you scroll down below), starting near the end of July of that year I did managed to lose 30 pounds by February 2020. In 2020 I started hiking (during Co-vid) and I did really well, but the scale climbed up again, until I was all back plus some in 2021. Then the fall of 2021 I lost again, about 20 pounds. Then in 2022, we moved, went through stress after stress that I blogged about here, and I gained them back again, plus some…again.
In June 2023 here I was:
New high weight June 6, 2023 = 192.9 lbs.
And then on August 5 I had an accident with my electric scooter that I wrote about here. I had just started to think about eating healthier (for the 100th time) on August 1st, and I was already down 3 pounds, 5 pounds total since that very unflattering picture in June.
I have always been somewhat “obsessed” with dieting. (Of course I am, or I wouldn’t have this blog about it.) Since June 2023, I have lost 70+ pounds. In fact, I added up all my big losses and then all my regains = it came to 528.9 pounds total! Yes, I have lost (and regained so I needed to lose all over again) my current body weight more than 4 times over! That means 4 whole of the current me have been lost and regained in my weight cycle struggle that started at 12 years old.
Total lifetime lost -528.9 pounds!
Weight in this picture March 29, 2024 = 130 lbs.
Maintenance, after a lifetime of losing and gaining, will be the hardest fight of my life. Me, version 5.0.
Where I stated this Blog, 2019:
Rock, rock bottom again, again. This is my breaking point. This is my right now.
On Mother’s day, May 12, at 167.8 lbs., my husband and I got some pictures taken. Even though my negative internal voice can find things to pick apart about the pictures, (eg. my bra strap is showing slightly in one picture, my slip is peaking out from under my skirt in another, despite the billowy skirt hiding my thighs, it billows because my butt and legs are huge, to wit, see my large calf, etc.), I know that the pictures are very good and I look really good.
May 12, 2019
But…
I’ve been on a food bender ever since they were taken and I’ve gained 8 pounds. Why? Because my outside does not match my inside. Inside, I’m filled with regret and wish I was 167.8 lbs. again, but I know that even then I won’t be happy because I know deep down the weight isn’t the problem. It is a physical manifestation that I cannot ignore, especially when I gain weight and my clothes get tight, but it is not the real problem.
I’m obsessed with the fact that I got skinny in 2016 (although, truth be told, I guess I only suspected I was skinny at the time, I didn’t really believe it). I mean, seriously, how the heck did I do it? And if you count 2012, 2004, 1999, and 1991, that’s more than once that I managed to get skinny, (I really didn’t realize I was skinny in those years either), so why can I not do it again? Because my outside does not match my inside, even when I get skinny. My first diet was in 1983 at age 12.
2016 
On April 21, 2016 I was 135.0 lbs. That is 40.8 pounds less than today. I have gained 40 pounds. Telling myself that is better than 100 pounds, or 200 pounds, doesn’t matter. It’s the symptom of the bigger problem I have yet to solve. 40 pounds or 100 pounds, regain is regain.
I’m freakin’ miserable inside, but I soldier on. Sadly, a fellow blogger Holly doesn’t blog anymore, but the words she put down about the struggle with food addiction, the struggle with using food to alter one’s mood, still resonate. Her current struggles (and frickin’ internet trolls) are the reason she doesn’t blog anymore, but that does not cancel out how well she articulated ‘the struggle’ during the years that she blogged. Christina Newman knew too. Her YouTube video on October 26, 2007, really says it all: “I don’t care whether you are 15 pounds overweight or 100 pounds overweight, if you keep gaining, whether you keep gaining weight continuously or gaining and losing, or trying a diet plan and then getting off the plan, I don’t care what your deal is, if you keep messing up, and you keep not doing things to get you to your goal, you got a problem.” Christina, you are right, I have a problem.
On May 29, 2017, Holly wrote, “I have tried numerous times to get back on track. I’ve tried going back to the gym. I’ve tried going back to daily Leslie Sansone walking videos. I’ve tried going back to walking in the neighborhood. I’ve even tried going back to group classes. Nothing will keep me motivated for long. I am not consistent. And I always quit. It’s not even a conscious decision anymore. Somehow I just wake up and realize another month went by with no progress.”
Even though I keep waking up and trying to halt the progression of weight gain, I keep failing. My lowest weight this year was 165.4 on April 3, 2019. I felt pretty good that day, like I was going to do it this time, get back to skinny town, loose skin or not. I want to be skinny in clothes. Yet, I didn’t stay motivated. I quit. I regained. I tried to start again and got down to 167.8 lbs. on Mother’s Day, May 12. Then I quit again. I regained again, and now I’m back up to my highest weight from all of 2018 (October and December), 175.8 lbs. this morning. This is the precipice. Any more weight, and I’m breaking new territory for regain. I cannot keep going in this direction.
I must remember, this is what 25 pounds gained, then lost, looks like:
May 18, 2011
May 19, 2018
From 193.5 lbs. down to 168.6 lbs.
2019 is my time to have my insides and outsides match. It’s time to get into my right sized body, what is the right size for me.
The Bio Joy Diet 