Recently, I really unpacked what underpins my motivation to go on “yet another diet.” Whenever I have felt competitive towards anyone else who starts a diet, it is because I realize that I have equated losing weight with being worthy of being loved. And if someone else loses weight and I don’t, they are going to get the love and I won’t.
I really realize that I have connected losing weight with being loved and being worthy. This is probably because I went on my first diet at an early age thinking that I was seeking approval through losing weight, and never really doing very well at it. I mean, of all the things I do, losing weight is something I don’t do very well. I manage to lose, I do it, but I don’t do it well, because maintaining weight loss is so difficult and I regain. I have been yo-yo dieting since that first diet when I was 12 years old. Therefore regain, for me, is particularly damaging to my self esteem because I have created this connection between losing weight and being worthy of love and approval. Gaining weight, for me, is the opposite of being worthy, the opposite of being approved or accepted, and it devastates me even when my logical brain is telling me one has nothing to do with the other.
I have equated losing weight with being worthy of being loved and with gaining others’ approval, and I’ll admit I have been a validation approval seeking person. I seek the validation and approval of others because I haven’t validated and approved myself very well, and I need to work on that. There are a number of events coming up which are occasions where these issues come up for me. And usually losing a couple pounds before an occasion like that is way better than gaining pounds before these occasions. But once again, I have tied the two together, and that is a problem.
It is really easy to gain weight. Too easy. Our current food environment, (processed food, fast food), has made it easy to make certain choices, and those choices that can be as simple as one nice restaurant meal, (the large portions, all that sodium), that result in quick and easy weight gain. And I’ve reached an age where it is easy to gain weight. Especially if I don’t exercise. When I gain weight I feel these intense devastating feelings, which just leads to more bad choices to soothe.
String a few weeks of bad choices together, and I can easily gain ten pounds. Three months to lose them, and only three weeks to gain them back.
Yes, weight loss is not easy. Keeping it off long term even harder. Regular exercise is very important for me because a certain level of fitness allows me to enjoy the things I want to do, like walk my dog, play with my grandchild, walk around a museum or outdoor venue for three hours without being in pain. But I cannot outrun my fork. And now that I have unpacked this connection I have between losing weight and being worthy of love and approval, and I have to convince myself I am worthy now. Yes, a bit flawed, but worthy, nonetheless.
The most important step I took this week was to move a little more. I tracked calories for a few days but wasn’t perfect. I still struggled, but just the fact that I was paying attention was a good start.
Here’s to an even better week to come.
The Bio Joy Diet 